Varicose To His Wife

| | Right | October 23, 2009

(I work on a cruise ship, and it’s 3 pm on embarkation day–the day all guests board. There are hundreds of people in the main atrium, milling about, asking tour questions and filling in forms. A male guest in his 50s approaches one of the tour staff with a paper in hand.)

Customer: “I have filled my form out. It says here you need to check it?”

Me: “Yes, you have a medical waiver for our snorkel tour. I’ll check it over so I can give you your tickets.”

(I read the form and notice that ‘Circulatory Problems’ has been checked.)

Me: “Sir, it says here you have circulation problems. Is this exercise related?”

Customer: “No, I had a minor surgery.”

Me: “Ah, was it cardiovascular, or–”

(A woman, also in her 50s and dressed in a blue velvet leisure suit with lots of gold jewelry suddenly bursts in.)

Customers Wife: *very loudly* “Harvey, what is this man asking you? I’m his wife.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am just confirming some details on his waiver so he can go snorkeling.”

(She grabs the form.)

Customers Wife: “Let me see that…oh, Harvey you didn’t put down your surgery, that’s why.”

(A couple of guests have turned to listen as the wife of Harvey is very, VERY loud.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was just going to ask Harvey–”

Customers Wife: “Oh, I can tell you what it is. It was for removal of varicose veins.”

Me: “So, it really isn’t circula–”

Customers Wife: *loudly* “They’re on his testicles!”

(I quickly take the form and excuse Harvey. Immediately, Harvey runs off.)

Customers Wife: “Harvey, where are you going? Harvey, what’s wrong?” *chases after Harvey*

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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Can’t See The Forest For The Airborne Trees

, | | Right | October 23, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [TV Company], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my TV is broken.”

Me: “I’ll be glad to help you today. What is wrong with your TV?”

Customer: “The picture keeps flashing on and off.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can I have you check the connections on the back of your TV to make sure everything is screwed in tightly?”

Customer: “Well, the lights in my house are flashing on and off too. We’re in a tornado warning. Do you think that has something to do with it?”

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Be Scared Of Customers You Will

, , | | Right | October 23, 2009

(At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket, please?”

Customer: “The Force is strong with this one.”

Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.”

Customer: “I challenge you to a lightsaber battle!”

(Suddenly, the customer whips out two lightsabers from under his cloak.)

Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.”

Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!”

Me: “No, not today, sir. Work I must.” *light laughter*

Customer: “But… but I have challenged you! I sense the Force within you is strong!”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: *looks around* “All right, just give me one.”

(He then proceeds to give me the green lightsaber and stands back in a fighting pose. I very weakly go to cross swords with him when my manager comes up behind me.)

Manager: “So we play games while we’re on the clock now, do we?”

(I turn to address my manager when literally, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, the patron stabs me in the stomach with the lightsaber, takes the one from my hand, and runs out the back side door to the movie theater.)

Manager: “Well?”

(Literally defeated, I headed back to work.)

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Those Are My Stories And I’m Sticking To Them

, | | Right | October 23, 2009

(My coworker and I are talking to each other at the counter of our restaurant when a customer comes up.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I ordered a medium pizza, but I wanted a small.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Do you need a box for the extra pizza?”

Customer: “No. I ordered a large pizza, but you brought me a medium.”

(A little confused, I glance at my coworker. She glances back at me with the same confused look.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am…would you like me to put a small pizza in so that you have more pizza?”

Customer: “No! I ordered a medium pizza, and you brought me a medium pizza! But don’t worry, I’m not mad at you.”

(At this point, both my coworker and I are too confused to know what to say, so we just look back at the customer.)

Customer: “I know! Sometimes my dog can be distracting!” *walks away*

Me and coworker: *still confused*

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You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2

, | | Right | October 22, 2009

Customer: “Why do you people keep calling me!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Ever since I bought this blasted phone the only phone calls I have gotten are from you people! I want you to stop calling me!”

Me: “I’m not sure what-”

Customer: “You know exactly what I’m talking about! How can you be so rude as to call someone’s house to bother them? Other people are trying to get through and are complaining to me because they aren’t getting a hold of me at home!”

Me: “Do you have it with you?”

Customer: “YES!” *pulls the phone out of purse* “LOOK! Right there! It’s your people’s number! It’s so rude!”

(When you buy the phones, they have a sticker over the caller ID screen with our 1800 number on it. She hands me the phone with the sticker still on it.)

Me: “It’s okay, ma’am, we haven’t been calling you, there’s simply this sticker on the screen.”

Customer: “Why aren’t you answering my question?”

Me: *removes the sticker* “See? It was just a sticker. That’s all it was…”

Customer: “So the number isn’t on the phone now?”

Me: “Nope, our number won’t be on your phone anymore.”

Customer: “Does this mean you people will leave me alone?”

Me: “Yes, I promise our corporate headquarters will stop calling you now.”

Customer: “Ok, thank you!”

 

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