(A very nice, older veteran often comes in with two friends and his service dog, who he needs for his depression. The dog, a tiny dachshund, always has on a service vest. They often carry the dog to their usual table. One day a lady comes in after them.)

Customer: *snooty* “I didn’t know you allowed dogs in here.”

Me: “We don’t, but that’s a service dog.”

Customer: “He doesn’t look blind.”

Me: “Service dogs aren’t only for blind people.”

(The customer looked at me suspiciously but ordered, anyway.)

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(I am a cook, and the to-go girl comes back to ask a question about the catch of the day for a customer.)

To-Go Girl: “This lady is gluten-free. She wants to know if she can safely eat the swordfish.”

Me: *blank stare* “Yes, fish is gluten-free.”

(I work in a library that allows patrons to use a computer for two hours a day. You either need a library card with us, or you can purchase a guest card for $2.00. Most patrons don’t balk at paying $2.00 for two hours.)

Patron: “How can I get on the computer?”

Me: “You can either buy a guest card for $2.00, or you can use your library card to log on to the computer.”

Patron: “D***! I have to pay?”

(I assume that he doesn’t have $2.00 on him.)

Me: “Well, if you don’t have a library card, yes, but you can sign up for a library card free today.”

Patron: “What do I need?”

Me: “I’ll needs to see two proofs of address stating that you live in our county.”

Patron: “Well, I ain’t got that!”

Me: “Then it looks like you’ll have to pay $2.00 to get on the computer today.”

Patron: “I was in the military; do I get a discount?”

Me: “For $2.00? No, sir. We do not offer military discounts. I’m sorry.”

Patron: “Y’all are trying to take all my hard-earned cash.”

(The patron then pulls out a wad of hundred-dollar bills. He unfolds at least ten, and gives me a twenty.)

Patron: “I want all my change back, too!”

Me: “Sure thing, sir.”

(I work in a pharmacy. I am filling in as an over-the-counter floor manager while our salaried management is out to meetings. Since I am an hourly supervisor, I am not allowed to do some things, like cash pulls or theft stops, but everything has been smooth throughout the day. It should be noted that at the time of this story, I am several months pregnant, but I am still getting around normally. I am crouching behind the counter for supplies when I hear a customer walk by.)

Me: *popping my head just over the counter* “Good morning!”

Teenage Boy: “Jesus! Uh… hi…”

(The kid looks a bit startled, but I don’t think much of it since I kind of came out of nowhere. I come out from behind the counter to see him flipping through the pegs of condoms. He is acting very sketchy, so I try to stay out of sight but where I can still watch him. Sure enough, he pockets a small pack of condoms. I cut the corner just as he is about to put another pack of condoms in his coat pocket. He drops them on the floor and I exaggeratedly struggle to bend over picking them up.)

Me: *poking my belly out* “Man, let me tell you from experience, I would not recommend this kind.”

(The kid practically ran out of the store, ditching the condoms in his pocket onto a nearby display on the way out.)

(I take a couple’s entrees to their table and let them know I’ll be back with their sides soon.)

Me: “Here are your salads and sauces.”

Customer: “Where is the rest of my meal?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “This can’t be all my food. My husband has much more food than I do.”

Me: “Well, your husband ordered surf and turf with a side of salad and fries. You’ve only asked for soup and a sandwich. Is that correct?”

Customer: “Yes. But why did he get more than me?”

(Facepalm.)