Under The N-Sea-17

| | Right | March 5, 2009

Me: “Hello ma’am. Welcome to ****. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to know which is the best animated pornographic movie you have.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “It’s for my husband. I’d like to buy him one for his birthday.”

Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell those.”

Customer: *exasperated* “Yes you DO.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t.”

Customer: “YES YOU DO. I just SAW them. I’ll go get it!”

(A few minutes later she returns, waving “The Little Mermaid” in my face.)

Customer: “See? SEE?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, that’s a Disney movie. It’s aimed at little kids.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Disney is well-known for their children’s movies.”

Customer: “You mean you show PORN TO LITTLE KIDS?! CHILD ABUSER! CHILD ABUSER! YOU ARE SCARRING OUR CHILDREN FOR LIFE! YOU B****!”

(She angrily walks out of the store, throwing the movie on the ground.)

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No Dollars, No Sense

| | Right | March 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Bank, may I have your full name please?”

Customer: “I’m not giving you my full name. I want to speak to a supervisor.”

Me: “I’m sure I can help you solve your problem, ma’am, just give me your full name so I can look up your information.”

Customer: “All right, FINE! My name is ****.”

Me: “Thank you, Ms. ****. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I was at the store trying to buy baby formula, but I didn’t have any money left on my account. Why is that?”

Me: “Well, it appears you have made several purchases throughout the day, and you eventually ran out of money.”

Customer: *yelling* “I KNOW THAT I BOUGHT STUFF EARLIER, BUT WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you could go ahead and return what you bought to get your money back and–”

Customer: *interrupting, baby crying in the background* “HOLD ON, SIR!”

Background Voice: “Hi, welcome to ****, how can I help you today?”

(At this point, the customer starts placing a food order while I wait on the line for her to get back to me, and the baby keeps crying.)

Customer: “Here baby, don’t cry…have some fries.”

Me: “Ms. ****, are you still there?”

Customer: “Yes I’m here – have you put my money back in my account
yet?”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’ve already spent the money, so your best bet is to go and return some of the things you bought earlier.”

Customer: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT FOR ME!”

Me: “I can’t do that; you have to do it personally.”

Customer: “CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ON YOUR COMPUTER?!”

Me: “No ma’am, it’s not physically possible for me to walk into a store with your stuff through my computer.”

Customer: *yelling louder* “WELL, IF YOU CAN’T USE ALL YOUR TECHNOLOGY TO DO A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT, I’M GONNA HAVE TO SWITCH BANKS! THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *hangs up*

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Air Mattress 2: The Secret Of The Ooze

| | Right | March 5, 2009

Me: “Hi sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I bought this air mattress here a few weeks ago. It was a good deal, but something’s not right.”

Me: “Does it have a leak, perhaps? That’s a fairly common problem.”

Customer: “No no, nothing like that. It holds the air fine.”

Me: “All right – what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s mutating. It just keeps growing on its own.”

(I look at the mattress, which fits perfectly fine in its box.)

Me: “Growing?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s alive! The sheets don’t fit it anymore, and it won’t stop expanding. I was sold a mutating mattress!”

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Random Acts Of Drunkenness

| | Right | March 4, 2009

(A customer stumbles up to the counter, obviously drunk, with a four year-old girl in tow.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, uh, my camera’s broken.”

Me: “Sir, it looks like the camera’s been dropped.”

Customer: “Oh yeah, I dropped it.”

Me: “Do you have your receipt from the purchase with you, by chance?”

Customer: “Sure…” *hands receipt to me*

Me: “Okay sir, I see here that you bought an accidental coverage warranty when you bought the camera, so the good news is that it will cover having it repaired at one of our service centers. ¬†We’ll just have to send it off, and it should arrive back at the store in about two weeks.”

Customer: “No! You’re supposed to give me a new camera.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t exchange your camera because it’s about six months outside of our return policy, and our warranties don’t cover product replacement without attempting repairs first.”

Customer: “I WANT A NEW CAMERA! ¬†*** TOLD ME I COULD JUST COME IN AND GET A NEW CAMERA!”

Me: “I apologize, but there’s not much else I can do ¬†If you’d like, I can get you my supervisor and see what he says.”

Customer: “YEAH, YOU BETTER GO GET HIM!”

(I bring my supervisor over, and the supervisor confirms that we can
only repair the camera.)

Customer: “F*** YOU!¬†I NEED A CAMERA NOW!¬†MY DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW, G**D***IT!”

Supervisor: “Well, we can either have the camera repaired, or you can bring home a broken camera today, if you’d like.”

Customer: “FINE! BUT I’M NOT HAPPY AND I’M NEVER SHOPPING AT *** AGAIN!”

(Two weeks pass, and the same customer comes back in to pick up his repaired camera, again obviously drunk.)

Me: “Here’s your camera, sir. The warranty fully covered the repair, so you’re all good to go. By the way, how did things go with your daughter’s birthday?”

Customer: “Oh, it was GREAT! Thank you so much for fixing my camera. You guys are real lifesavers!¬†I’m gonna buy stuff here every chance I get!”

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Reorientation Disorientation

| | Right | March 4, 2009

Customer: “Do you have any frames that fit a 7×5 photo?”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Customer: “I like THIS one, but you only have it in 5×7.”

Coworker: “Yes?”

Customer: *whines*

Coworker: “Um…”

Customer: “But I need one that’s 7×5, not 5×7!”

Coworker: *slowly turns the frame on it’s side*

Customer: “Oh, wow!”

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