(I work in one of the two local branches of a nationwide pet shop company. About the time I started, they were bringing out a loyalty card, one of the selling points being a discount voucher in the welcome pack, but often people mistake it to mean the card gave them the discount whenever they used it. This story is two instances of the same customer, around two or three years after I began working. The customer in question is a middle-aged, reasonably well-dressed lady. She’s hurriedly tying up one of the clear plastic bags we use to put live aquarium plants in when customers buy them. I notice her hands are wet, which means she’s ignored the various notices saying to ask for help with the plants and asking customers to not put their hands into the water.)

Me: *ignoring the plant thing* “Hi there! Have you found everything you needed?”

(This has been part of my training from day one, to always greet customers coming to the till with a question like this, and our customer feedback suggests that a lot of people appreciate it, and a number of customers will either suddenly remember something, or ask for assistance with something they couldn’t find.)

Customer #1: *suddenly defensive and haughty* “What kind of question is that to ask?!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer #1: “Is that what they train you to ask?! That’s incredibly rude! It’s almost like you’re suggesting we’re incapable of shopping by ourselves! This is horrendous customer service! I wish I could complain to your head office about this!”

(This prompts me to keep very quiet about our online customer surveys.)

Me: *choosing to brush the whole thing off* “Okay, I’m sorry for that. Do you have a [loyalty card] to swipe, please?” *swipes card as it’s presented* “So, that’s three plants? Okay, that’s [amount] altogether, please.”

Customer #1: “What? No, it isn’t; it should be cheaper!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the multi-buy deal on these plants has always been [amount].”

Customer #1: “No! The card means I get [discount amount] off!”

Me: “Ah, no, sorry. That’s just the one-off voucher you get in your welcome pack. The card itself doesn’t give you a discount; it validates the money off vouchers you’re sent.”

(She then proceeds to huffily pay the full price for the plants, and leaves. I turn to the till next to me, where my coworker and her customer are staring at me, dumbfounded.)

Coworker: “What was her problem? I was embarrassed for you, there! I’ve never heard anyone complain about being asked if they’ve found everything before…”

(A few months go by before the second incident. I’m just beginning to put a customer’s items through the till when the woman from before comes up, moves to the other side of the till from the lady I’m serving, and drops a wet, clear, plastic bag with aquarium plants in on the counter. Once more, her hands are wet.)

Customer #1: “These three plants. They’re [amount]!”

(She places the correct change onto the counter.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m in the middle of serving this lady here.”

Customer #1: “I’ve given you the correct change! Just put it in the till!”

Me: “Sorry, no, I need to put the plants through the tills and give you a receipt.”

Customer #1: “Hmph, you can do that after you’ve finished serving her.”

(I decide that arguing with the woman is going to get me nowhere, so I finish the other woman’s transaction in silence, and put the money for the plants into the till when it opens. The first customer takes her plants and triumphantly scuttles out of the doors. I turn to the customer I was originally serving to pass her the receipt for her items and begin putting the plants into the till, with as apologetic a look as I can manage after that.)

Customer #2: *looking shocked, worrying me into thinking I am about to get chewed out for this* “Well! Wasn’t she rude?”

Me: *exasperated* “Thank you! Not just me that thought it, then?”

(I have never seen [Customer #1] since… fortunately. But, having spoken to my manager, she has confirmed that I can refuse to serve her and call someone else to serve in the tills.)

(I work for a phone kiosk. A woman comes up to me and casually leans on the counter.)

Customer: “I was wondering if you could help me with something on my phone.”

Me: “Sure, what’s your question?”

Customer: “How do I get Facebook to stop showing my birthday?”

Me: “Uh… I do phones, not Facebook.”

Customer: “That’s okay; I’ll ask him later.”

(She pointed to my coworker, who was helping another customer, and then walked away.)

(My store has baskets of candy placed on the register counter for associates to suggestive-sell to customers. I see a small child nearly tipping the basket over trying to see what is inside.)

Me: “You want to know what’s in that basket?”

Little Girl: *nods*

Me: “Spiders.”

Little Girl: *jumps back* “Ew!”

Nearby Coworker: “I am never letting you near my kids!”

(The little girl’s mom thought it was funny, though.)

(The winery for which I work is very small, but serves a wide variety of wine from our own private label — whites, reds, blushes, fruits, as well as dessert wines and ports. Please note that there are MANY wineries in my state, most of which serve their own private labels, as well. Two women walk in and sit at our service bar.)

Guest #1: “I would like a bottle of [Other Private Label] Chardonnay.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but we only serve our own private label.”

Guest #1: “And what is that?”

Me: *not sure how she missed the business name, which is prominently displayed everywhere* “[Our Place] Winery. We make all of our own wines on site.” *hands her a menu*

Guest #1: “Well, I want something semi-sweet, like a Chardonnay.”

Me: “We do have a Chardonnay, but it is a dry, full-bodied wine, not so much a sweet or semi-sweet.”

Guest #1: *to [Guest #2]* “Ugh. I don’t know why we came here. They don’t know what they’re doing.” *to me* “Well, what do you have that’s semi-sweet and white?”

Me: “Let’s take a look at the menu.”

(I take a few moments to describe our semi-sweet and sweet whites, from driest to sweetest, including flavour descriptions.)

Guest #1: “Well, I guess I have to get something. Let’s start with that first one you mentioned and work our way through to the sweetest. Just a little bit, because I might not like it. I don’t know why you don’t have [Other Winery] wines here.”

(I go to the cooler and pull out the first three wines she mentions.)

Guest #1: “NO! Don’t pour them all at once! If I like one, I won’t want to taste the rest!”

Me: “That’s fine; we only pour one tasting at a time. I’m just pulling out the bottles to make it easier.” *pours first tasting [Guest #1] picked out*

Guest #1: “This is awful. Purely awful.”

Me: “That’s okay. You don’t have to like all of them. I’m sure we’ll find something for you!”

Guest #2: *trying tasting* “This is pretty good. Can I get a glass of this?”

Guest #1: “How can you even drink that swill?” *tries tasting the other wine* “Oh, God, this is even worse! Do you not know how to make wine?”

Me: “I’m sorry you don’t like that one. Is it too sweet?”

Guest #1: “It tastes like vinegar and awful!”

Me: “Let’s try this one. It’s very sweet.”

Guest #1: *trying tasting* “It’s better, but still not sweet. I don’t think you understand sweet. I guess the sweetest one will have to do. Just pour me a glass, and I’ll deal with it.”

(I pour the glasses for [Guest #1] and [Guest #2], and give them some crackers to enjoy with their wine. I come back and check on them a few minutes later.)

Guest #1: “I figured out if I pour all the wines together, they taste halfway decent. Has anyone ever thought to do that?”

Me: “Oh, yes, our guests make cocktails from the wine all the time. In fact, I have one guest who likes to mix [dessert wine] with [specialty wine].”

Guest #1: “YOU HAVE DESSERT WINE?!”

Me: “Yes. It’s very sweet; some folks compare it to a ‘syrupy sweetness.’”

Guest #1: “Give me that.”

(I pour her a tasting, which she gulps down.)

Guest #1: “NOW THAT IS A SEMI-SWEET! GIVE ME ANOTHER!”

Guest #2: *samples tasting* “Oh, God, that is strong.”

Guest #1: “WHY DIDN’T YOU GIVE THAT TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?”

Guest #2: “You asked for ‘semi-sweet,’ not ‘sweet as h***’!”

Guest #1: “I’m going to buy a bottle of that, because I’m sure as h*** never coming back to this place again, with their vinegar swill crap!”

(After complaining about all of our semi-sweets, insulting our product, mixing six different whites together, and finally enjoying our dessert wine, she decided to leave behind her entire glass of wine after purchasing one of our most expensive — and sweetest — bottles of wine. I guess there’s no pleasing some folks!)

(I work at a specialty retail store that carries blades for double-edge safety razors, among other things.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “Well, I did here. Your other store is totally useless!”

Coworker: “How so?”

Customer: “I’ve been trying to get [Brand #1] there for four months, and they only have [Brand #2] and [Brand #3]. Besides, they keep them locked up in Fort Knox. I can’t imagine they’re stolen often enough.”

Me: “You’re kidding, right? Razor blades are stolen all the time. That’s why we’re supposed to keep ours behind glass.”

Customer: “But how many guys are using this kind of razor nowadays?”

Me: “Oh, they don’t use them for shaving; they use them for drugs.”

Customer: “Oh… Well, I guess I learned something today.”