(I work for a phone kiosk. A woman comes up to me and casually leans on the counter.)
Customer: “I was wondering if you could help me with something on my phone.”
Me: “Sure, what’s your question?”
Customer: “How do I get Facebook to stop showing my birthday?”
Me: “Uh… I do phones, not Facebook.”
Customer: “That’s okay; I’ll ask him later.”
(She pointed to my coworker, who was helping another customer, and then walked away.)
(My store has baskets of candy placed on the register counter for associates to suggestive-sell to customers. I see a small child nearly tipping the basket over trying to see what is inside.)
Me: “You want to know what’s in that basket?”
Little Girl: *nods*
Me: “Spiders.”
Little Girl: *jumps back* “Ew!”
Nearby Coworker: “I am never letting you near my kids!”
(The little girl’s mom thought it was funny, though.)
(The winery for which I work is very small, but serves a wide variety of wine from our own private label — whites, reds, blushes, fruits, as well as dessert wines and ports. Please note that there are MANY wineries in my state, most of which serve their own private labels, as well. Two women walk in and sit at our service bar.)
Guest #1: “I would like a bottle of [Other Private Label] Chardonnay.”
Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but we only serve our own private label.”
Guest #1: “And what is that?”
Me: *not sure how she missed the business name, which is prominently displayed everywhere* “[Our Place] Winery. We make all of our own wines on site.” *hands her a menu*
Guest #1: “Well, I want something semi-sweet, like a Chardonnay.”
Me: “We do have a Chardonnay, but it is a dry, full-bodied wine, not so much a sweet or semi-sweet.”
Guest #1: *to [Guest #2]* “Ugh. I don’t know why we came here. They don’t know what they’re doing.” *to me* “Well, what do you have that’s semi-sweet and white?”
Me: “Let’s take a look at the menu.”
(I take a few moments to describe our semi-sweet and sweet whites, from driest to sweetest, including flavour descriptions.)
Guest #1: “Well, I guess I have to get something. Let’s start with that first one you mentioned and work our way through to the sweetest. Just a little bit, because I might not like it. I don’t know why you don’t have [Other Winery] wines here.”
(I go to the cooler and pull out the first three wines she mentions.)
Guest #1: “NO! Don’t pour them all at once! If I like one, I won’t want to taste the rest!”
Me: “That’s fine; we only pour one tasting at a time. I’m just pulling out the bottles to make it easier.” *pours first tasting [Guest #1] picked out*
Guest #1: “This is awful. Purely awful.”
Me: “That’s okay. You don’t have to like all of them. I’m sure we’ll find something for you!”
Guest #2: *trying tasting* “This is pretty good. Can I get a glass of this?”
Guest #1: “How can you even drink that swill?” *tries tasting the other wine* “Oh, God, this is even worse! Do you not know how to make wine?”
Me: “I’m sorry you don’t like that one. Is it too sweet?”
Guest #1: “It tastes like vinegar and awful!”
Me: “Let’s try this one. It’s very sweet.”
Guest #1: *trying tasting* “It’s better, but still not sweet. I don’t think you understand sweet. I guess the sweetest one will have to do. Just pour me a glass, and I’ll deal with it.”
(I pour the glasses for [Guest #1] and [Guest #2], and give them some crackers to enjoy with their wine. I come back and check on them a few minutes later.)
Guest #1: “I figured out if I pour all the wines together, they taste halfway decent. Has anyone ever thought to do that?”
Me: “Oh, yes, our guests make cocktails from the wine all the time. In fact, I have one guest who likes to mix [dessert wine] with [specialty wine].”
Guest #1: “YOU HAVE DESSERT WINE?!”
Me: “Yes. It’s very sweet; some folks compare it to a ‘syrupy sweetness.’”
Guest #1: “Give me that.”
(I pour her a tasting, which she gulps down.)
Guest #1: “NOW THAT IS A SEMI-SWEET! GIVE ME ANOTHER!”
Guest #2: *samples tasting* “Oh, God, that is strong.”
Guest #1: “WHY DIDN’T YOU GIVE THAT TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?”
Guest #2: “You asked for ‘semi-sweet,’ not ‘sweet as h***’!”
Guest #1: “I’m going to buy a bottle of that, because I’m sure as h*** never coming back to this place again, with their vinegar swill crap!”
(After complaining about all of our semi-sweets, insulting our product, mixing six different whites together, and finally enjoying our dessert wine, she decided to leave behind her entire glass of wine after purchasing one of our most expensive — and sweetest — bottles of wine. I guess there’s no pleasing some folks!)
(I work at a specialty retail store that carries blades for double-edge safety razors, among other things.)
Me: “Did you find everything all right?”
Customer: “Well, I did here. Your other store is totally useless!”
Coworker: “How so?”
Customer: “I’ve been trying to get [Brand #1] there for four months, and they only have [Brand #2] and [Brand #3]. Besides, they keep them locked up in Fort Knox. I can’t imagine they’re stolen often enough.”
Me: “You’re kidding, right? Razor blades are stolen all the time. That’s why we’re supposed to keep ours behind glass.”
Customer: “But how many guys are using this kind of razor nowadays?”
Me: “Oh, they don’t use them for shaving; they use them for drugs.”
Customer: “Oh… Well, I guess I learned something today.”
(A person walks in, wanders past the box office and concession, and moves straight to the self-serve soda fountain. He pulls a cup from a very popular fast-food chain out of his backpack and fills it.)
Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to pay for that.”
Customer: “Why? I bought this here, and you’re supposed to get free refills!”
Me: “Sir, I really don’t think you bought that here.”
(He storms up to me and thrusts the cup in my face.)
Customer: “Here! You happy?! I bought this here!”
Me: “Yeah, sir… I’m sorry, but I don’t think our company logo is an M comprised of two golden arches.”
Customer: *defeated* “How much will it be?”
(He leaves. A coworker who witnessed the entire ordeal speaks up.)
Coworker: “Did he really just try to pass off a fast food cup as one of ours… to your face?”
Me: “Yes… Yes, he did.”
