I Can Thieve Clearly Now

| | Right | March 25, 2009

Customer: “I need to bring back these reading glasses. They’re broken.”

Me: “OK – do you have the receipt for them?”

(The customer hands me a receipt from 9 months earlier.)

Me: “This receipt is a little past our 30-day return policy. May I have a look at the glasses?”

Customer: “Yeah, well, they’re clearly broken, and I never used them, so you need to make an exception for me.”

(I see that the glasses have clearly had the packaging removed and haphazardly put back on. They also have grease marks all over the lenses.)

Me: “OK, well, I can’t take these back for a number of reasons: They were bought 9 months ago, we don’t carry this style anymore, and they have been clearly opened and used.”

Customer: “No, they’re not used! You can’t get that package back on them!”

Me: “It’s tricky, but you can get it back on. I’ve had to re-package them on a few occasions.”


Me: “…”

(The customer realizes what she just said, then turns and sheepishly walks out.)

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When You’ve Lost The Passion Fruit

| | Right | March 25, 2009

Me: “Hi, can I help?”

Customer: “I’d like a wheat grass shot and an apple, carrot, ginger and orange juice.”

Me: “Would you like size one, two or three?”

Customer: “One.”

Me: “Would you like any extra boosters?”

Customer: “No. Stop trying to sell me things.”

Me: “That’s ¬£*.**. Do you have a loyalty card?”

Customer: “I’m not even loyal to my WIFE.”

Me: “…”

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Joseph Smith’s Great Northern Detour

| | Right | March 25, 2009

Drunk Customer: “You’re American! What state are you from??”

Me: “Actually Sir, I’m from Canada.”

Drunk Customer: “OH! The MORMON State!”

Me: “…”

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Hypothetical Intelligence

| | Right | March 25, 2009

(I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)

Me: “Hello, my name is *** and I’m calling on behalf of the *** Party. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you. If there was a General Election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “There’s a General Election tomorrow?”

Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station, are you offering a lift?”

Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election about who would you vote for.”

Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”

Me: *gives up*

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The Dangers Of Using Fishy Logic

| | Right | March 25, 2009

(I work at a fish and chips booth at a 19th-century London convention.)

Customer: “Hi, I want some chips.”

Me: “Sure, that’ll be ***. Here are your chips.”

Customer: “No, I want chips.”

Me: “These are chips.”

Customer: “No, they’re french fries.”

Me: “In England, they’re called chips.”

Customer: “So? We’re in America.”

Me: “You’re at a convention set in London.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So, they’re called chips in an attempt to be authentic.”

Customer: “The f***? I’m an American and in America they’re called french fries!”

Me: “So why aren’t they called American fries?”

Customer: *stares blankly*

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