Customer: “I want you to make my coffee for me.” 

Me: “I’m just taking the orders for today, sir.”

Customer: “No. I want you to make it. I don’t trust those other guys. I was in Afghanistan, and I don’t trust Arabs to make my coffee.”

I try to ignore how wrong all of that was.

Me: “Well, they all make a decent cup of coffee, sir, I assure you.”

Customer: “Fine… but you’d better be making them tomorrow.”

Me: *Just trying to move this along* “I will try, sir.”

Customer: “It’s so bad in America these days. They’re everywhere. I saw online yesterday that they started teaching Arabic numbers in schools! That’s crazy!”

This story reminds me of a woman I heard about secondhand at my job. (I heard about it a few days after it happened.)

We had just installed those really nice Coca-Cola Freestyle machines that have like 100-plus options. Evidently, some woman came in, found out that the soda was now self-serve, and freaked out on my coworker, who was a sixteen-year-old girl. The woman screamed at her for several minutes until she cried.

And then, because that wasn’t enough, she went online and blasted us in a bunch of negative reviews for having the “audacity” to “make [her] fill [her] own soda”.

I Google searched the name (because these people almost always just use their full names on Google) and found her on Facebook. Of course, her profile was full of social-justice-y posts, including a whole lot of posts about supporting causes related to kids and adolescents — you know, like the one she screamed at until she cried.

Eye-rolls.

Related:
Those Aren’t Ketchup Packets, Those Are Red Flags…

I’m a freelance makeup artist.

Client: “I’ve been lurking on your work for months now, and it’s beautiful. I have finally decided you are the person I’d like to do my wedding makeup. The date is [date].”

Me: “Thank you so much for the compliment, but unfortunately, I’m already booked on that date. My apologies.”

Client: “But I’ve been lurking your work for months!”

Me: “Yes, but you can’t book a date that way. I need clients to make formal bookings to secure my time.”

Client: “Can’t you just cancel the other booking?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no, I couldn’t do that to a customer who has secured my time and paid my booking fee well in advance.”

Client: “Your customer service is appalling.”

I’m working the self-checkout with a coworker. An older woman calls my coworker over as she’s accidentally double-scanned an item. My coworker sees that the customer is also purchasing some wine, so pre-approves the purchase.

Customer: “Hmph!”

Coworker: “Is everything all right, madam?”

Customer: “You hit that ‘visibly over 25’ button a bit too hard for my liking.”

Related:
That Age-Old Problem, Part 2
That Age-Old Problem

I work at the front desk of a hotel. The hotel is pretty upscale and sits on a marina. A happy couple checked in the night before their wedding, and I just knew they’d be a handful, but I still seriously underestimated them.

On the first night (wedding eve), they kept calling for maintenance because they couldn’t get the fireplace to turn on or the jets in the tub to work. (It turned out that the trick was to press “on”.) Then, the complaints of loud sex start rolling in, followed by complaints of heated arguing.

We all survived night one. The wedding day was here. They got married on a boat with mainly the groom’s family on board. The bride got so drunk that they literally ditched her a** at the marina. One of the dock hands found her, eighties dress and all, wandering the boat slips.

We sent security to help her, but they couldn’t find her. While they were searching, she stumbled into the lobby bare-footed, losing her s***, grabbing every guest who had the misfortune of walking by, and sobbing to them. She nearly ruined a guest’s Versace suit crying on his arm (unsolicited and very awkwardly). Luckily, he was a good sport.

Before security could make it back, the groom showed up. They proceed to have a public argument and make-up (with plenty of PDA) for all to see.

Security finally rescued me and got them to their room. The last of the fun was more noise complaints of loud sex and arguing. Security pretty much had to set up camp on their floor.

I’m sure they’re still happily married to this day.