How Tired Is Your Soul?

, , , | Right | June 21, 2018

(A customer of about college age comes in to the store. We’re going to close the store in ten minutes and it’s dark out.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Can I have the souls of the innocent, please?”

Me: *confused* “Er… could you repeat that, sir?”

Customer: *slightly irritated* “Can I have the souls of the d***ed, please?”

Me: “Sir, we’re a fast food place, and we don’t dabble in black magic of any kind.”

Customer: “What?”

(I then notice the dark bags under his eyes and realise he’s either high, tired, or both.)

Me: “You asked for the souls of the innocent?”

Customer: “S***. Sorry, I haven’t slept properly since Monday… seven years ago.”

Me: *laughs* “Well, it’s okay. What can I actually get you?”

(The rest of the order went without a hitch, but he was very embarrassed and apologised the entire time he was in the store.)

Bad Guests Are Notoriously Nefarious

, , , , , | Right | June 21, 2018

(A guest has been telling me a VERY rambling story in which he describes his friend as “nefarious” — I think he actually means “notorious,” based on context, but I digress. Then, he turns to me, and in the most condescending tone I have ever heard, says:)

Guest: “Do you know that word? Nefarious?”

Me: “I do.”

Guest: *drawing back in mock surprise* “Wow! That’s a hard word! That’s a college word! Good for you!”

Me: *turns back to my paperwork and tries very hard not to punch him*


404 Error: Brain Not Found

, , , , | Right | June 21, 2018

(I’m the brain-dead customer in this one. I had new Internet service set up today, but when I try using it, the speed is less than 10% of what it should be, so I call the cable company I subscribe through. After explaining the situation:)

Representative: “What are you trying to connect to?”

Me: “The Internet.”

Representative: *pause* “I know that.”

(I have no defense to offer for myself.)

Walk A Mile In The Wrong Shoes

, , , , | Right | June 21, 2018

(I’m working the returns desk for a well-known retail chain. We have a strict return policy of 30 days, but we will sometimes bend the rules a bit if a customer is a bit outside the window. I am doing a return for an older female customer who is returning two separate orders.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, since it’s two transactions, I’ll have to do them separately; is that all right?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s okay. Do this one first; it’s older.”

Me: *thinking it’s a few weeks out* “Okay. Let me look at the receipt.”

(I see her receipt is missing the barcode and receipt ID number. Since the customer paid cash, I offer to look up the receipt with her store rewards card, which she agrees to.)

Me: “Hmm, it can’t find your item.”

(I glance at the receipt again and look at the date; the item was purchased over three years ago. Her other receipt was for the previous week.)

Me: “Um, ma’am, I cannot return this item, as it is way outside our return date window.”

Customer: “Oh, well, can’t you just bend the rules? Just this once?”

Me: “If it were a matter of a few days, I might be able to, but this item was purchased three years ago. I cannot take it back.”

Customer: “How about for store credit?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this rule is from our corporate office, and I cannot do any sort of refund or exchange, even for store credit.”

Customer: “But I never used it!”

Me: “I understand, but that is the rule. The computer won’t even find your purchase outside of the return date window. I can do your other return, as it is still in date, but not this one.”

Customer: “But I never used it! Just give me store credit!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, I cannot give you any refund or exchange for this—”

Customer: “BUT I NEVER USED IT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I can’t wear these shoes; they don’t fit!”

(The man behind her in line has had enough.)

Customer #2: *mumbling* “And it took you three years to figure that out?”

([Customer] immediately shuts up and lets me do her other return. She is still screaming about “never using” her item as she leaves. I turn to help the next customer.)

Customer #2: “Are people really that stupid?”

Me: “I wish I could say that was a first, sir.”

Maybe There Is A Reason She Stopped Saving You A Copy

, , , | Right | June 21, 2018

(Four times a year we get a free magazine that covers what is on over the whole of North Wales. We do not publish it; we simply get delivered a dozen copies to give out.)

Customer: “I’ve come to get [Free Magazine].”

Me: “I’m really sorry, but we haven’t had this seasons copy’s delivered yet.”

Customer: “I’ve come to get [Free Magazine].”

Me: “I’m sorry. But we don’t have them yet. They should be delivered in a couple of weeks.”

Customer: “But the girl always saves one for me.”

Me: “We haven’t had them delivered yet. Do you know the name of the person that saves one for you? When they arrive, I can remind her.”

Customer: “Lindsey. I want [Free Magazine]; the girl saves it for me.”

Me: “We don’t have a Lindsey who works here. Do you remember what she looks like?”

Customer: “Short grey hair. She always saves me a copy. Who are you, anyway? I come here all the time, and I’ve never seen you!

Me: “I’ve been here seven years. You used to come to the craft group we ran. I really am sorry, but I do not have a copy to give you. Sometimes the local supermarkets get the magazine in before we do. They are still free, so you could try there.”

Customer: “I’m not walking all the way there. THE GIRL ALWAYS SAVES ME A COPY!”

(This conversation goes around in circles for about 15 minutes before she storms out of the building saying the one thing that will get to anyone who works in customer service…)

Customer: “You know, you could try smiling!”

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