A Raw Sample Of General Customers

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I am working as a sample demonstrator in a popular store, making fish.)

Customer: “I want a sample.”

Me: “They should be finished cooking in about ten minutes! If you want to finish shopping, I will make sure to save you a piece!”

Customer: “Excuse me? I want a sample.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but it’s going to take about ten minutes. As I said, if you would like to finish your shopping, I will save you a piece.”

Customer: “Will you hurry up? I just want to try the fish.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s still ten minutes from finishing.”

Customer: “Why are you not serving me?”

Me: “I have already stated it will take ten more minutes for the fish to be cooked.”

Customer: “Just cut me a piece!”

Me: “Ma’am. I cannot serve raw fish.”

Customer: “I. Want. A. Sample.”

Me: “And in ten minutes, you can get one. I am not serving you frozen, raw fish.”

Customer: “Well, you lost a sale!” *storms off*

Coworker: “Does that happen to you often?”

Me: “Every. Day.”

Calls Of This Nature Are Up To Nature

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I get a call as an animal control officer.)

Man: “There are squirrels in my neighbor’s tree.”

Me: “They tend to like trees.”

Man: “I need them removed.”

Me: “Umm…”

Man: “They drop nuts in my yard.”

Me: “We don’t do wildlife calls.”

Man: “I need you to remove them from the neighbor’s tree and do your d*** job!”

Me: “That would be trespassing, and we don’t do calls of this nature. I’m not sure anyone does.”

Man: *hangs up*

(Somewhere in my city right now is a man festering with hatred and anger because there are squirrels in someone else’s yard. He’s probably shaking his fist at a tree right now.)

Chicken And Buzzers And Gorilla’s, Oh My

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I work as a cashier at a popular pizza parlor and place to play arcade games. A man and a woman come in.)

Me: “What can I get for you today?”

Man: “What y’all sell here?”

Me: “Pizza.”

Man: “Y’all got chicken?”

Me: “We have chicken wings, and there are slices of chicken you can put on your pizza.”

Man: “But you don’t got no, like, fried chicken?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Oh. Y’all got waiters?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Then how does the food get to us?”

Me: “I’ll give you a buzzer, and when it goes off you can pick your food up over there.”

(By his point, it seems as though the woman he is with is beginning to grow impatient with him.)

Woman: “Okay, we’ll have some breadsticks, and what do you think of a medium pizza for the two of us?”

Man: “Man, I need more than a medium pizza and some breadsticks. I’m like a gorilla!”

Chewing You Out Over The State Of The Pool

, , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I work reception at a swimming pool.)

Customer: “I want to make a complaint.”

Me: “I am sorry to hear that. What is the problem?”

Customer: “The bottom of the pool is covered in chewing gum. It was like that last week and is still the same!”

(My line manager overhears and apologises profusely for the ‘inexcusable’ state of the pool.)

Customer: “Well, it is disgusting.”

(While the customer was there, I asked my line manager if we had any available staff to get in the pool and investigate. As we were very understaffed that day, I offered to go in early the next day and “dredge” the pool. The customer seemed satisfied with this and left. The next day I got my swimming costume and goggles on and had a good sweep of the pool. What did I find? We had four rows of black tiles on the floor of the pool to denote lanes. They had been there forty years, so had started to chip and discolour. The chips were white and varying sizes, and, yes, they looked like chewing gum that had been trodden in… until you touched it, then you realised it was just tile. I am looking forward to that customer next coming in and complaining, so I can ask him if he has any goggles because I want to show him something.)

The Customer Doesn’t Sound Like A Real Man

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I’m a large man, not quite 300 pounds, and keep my beard well-trimmed.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Convenience Store]. Pump seven is ready for inside payment.”

(A few moments later, the customer comes in to pay for his gas.)

Customer: “I hate to tell you this, but you sound like a female on the intercom. I hope that doesn’t offend you or anything.”

Me: “It’s only offensive if you think there’s something wrong with being a woman.”

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