A Violent, Delicious Meal

| | Right | July 31, 2009

Customer: *shocked* “This isn’t what I ordered!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is haddock and chips. You ordered fish and chips, right?”

Customer: “No! Definitely not. It was something else.”

Me: “OK. What did you order?”

Customer: “I’m not sure. But it was broken.”

Me: “Broken? Are you sure?”

Customer: “Yes! It was smashed! Smashed, I tell you! It was smashed!”

Me: *slowly* “Ah…that’ll be it. It’s battered haddock, ma’am. Battered…in batter…and then deep-fried.”

Customer: *suddenly regaining her calm* “Oh. Yes, that sounds right.” *smiles and returns to her meal*

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The Vacation Of A Lifetime, Slightly Exaggerated

| | Right | July 31, 2009

(I check in cruise-line passengers before they board the ship; our port building is clearly on the ground, right off the street.)

Co-worker: “These are your key cards – they’ll get you onto the ship, and then into your room, and also–”

Woman: “You mean we’re not on the ship now?”

Co-worker: “No, ma’am.”

Woman: “Oh, good, because they sent me pictures and this doesn’t measure up!”

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MSRP: My Suggested Retail Price

| | Right | July 31, 2009

Customer: “Ooh, don’t you have lovely eyes? You’re like a little china doll!”

Me: “Uh, thanks…is that like a porcelain doll?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes! A porcelain doll! from Europe! Your skin is so pale, and your eyes are so big! Oh my, you do look just like a china doll! I bet you have so many different outfits! And a little house! And lots of hats!

Coworker: *joking* “Actually, she’s a collector’s item. Very rare. A one-off, in fact.”

Customer, to me: “LIFT UP YOUR HAIR!”

Me: “Why?!”

Customer: “I need to see your stamp of authenticity!”

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And On The Eighth Day, He Created Fax

| | Right | July 31, 2009

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [mortgage company]. How may I assist you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like an application for your assistance program.”

Me: “Certainly! We’ve actually put the application online for your convenience, so you can complete it and submit it right there on our website.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t use computers. Technology usage is against my religious beliefs. Can you just fax me the application?”

Me: “Erm…absolutely!”

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Brainless Through The Looking Glass

| | Right | July 31, 2009

(I’m stocking milk when I see a customer tapping the mirror that reflects back down on the groceries in the refrigerated section.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you could open this case so I can get to the eggs on the other side?”

Me: “All the eggs should be in the same place.”

Customer: “No, I want the ones in the case.”

(She starts tapping the mirror above the eggs again.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a mirror.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “There are no other eggs, it’s a reflection of the same eggs.”

Customer: “But I want those eggs!”

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