All Husbands Must Be Kept On A Leash

| | Right | May 23, 2008

(Note: I was one of the quickest and most efficient cashiers at my store, and often received positive comments about this from the customers.)

Wife: “My, you’re just whizzing along! I can’t believe how fast you are!”

Husband: “Didn’t you know? That’s the store’s new policy. They only hire fast women.”

Me: *chuckles good-naturedly*

Wife: “Don’t mind my husband. We only let him out on weekends.”

 

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Brown-Skinned Savage, I Come From Distant Shores

| | Right | May 23, 2008

(I was called by the cashier to help an elderly lady out to her car. As I was loading the trunk, she says…)

Elderly Customer: “How do you say it? Muchas gracious?”

Me: “Um, I’m not Hispanic.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, really? Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m actually from Bangladesh.”

Elderly Customer: “Really? Is that near Mexico?”

Me: “No… it’s actually right next to India.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, I see…”

(I finish loading her trunk.)

Elderly Customer: “Thanks and aaadios!”

Me: “…”

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Along The Way, You’ll Meet Some Hopped-Up Munchkins

| | Right | May 23, 2008

(I live in a town where 65% of the people are 65 years old and older. When we were redoing the design of the store, they placed a large white walkway from the front door to the pharmacy.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to pick up my prescription.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is the front of the store. Your prescription is in the back of the store, in the pharmacy.”

Customer: “How do I get there?”

Me: “Follow the white brick road.”

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Nothin’ Like A Good Old Existential Meltdown

| | Right | May 22, 2008

(I’m confronted by a customer with an extremely high pitched voice and impenetrable Highland accent. This is one of those tiny old Scottish women with a headscarf nailed on and muscles like steel wires. They are a common sight in the East of Scotland, and are almost immortal. Only the slow action of the wind off the north sea will gradually erode them.)

Me: “That will be £***, please.”

Old Lady: “Areyenamerican?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Old Lady: “Ah sid, are ye Namerican?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I missed that.”

Old Lady: “Are… ye… an… American?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I misheard you. No, I’m English.”

Old Lady: “Oh… why?”

(I have spent much of the last three years trying to come up with a satisfactory answer. As yet I have made no progress.)

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And Just Think, You’ll Meet Them In Multiplayer

, | | Right | May 22, 2008

(So, GTA4 came out recently… it never occurred to me how many people didn’t know roman-bloody-numerals.)

Customer: “I’d like to pre-order Grand Theft Auto Five.”

Me: “Four.”

Customer: “Four? No. I wanted Five. Four is old.”

Me: “Four is the one coming out in a week or so.”

Customer: “No it isn’t! It’s GTA Five you…” *mumbles*

Me: “Sir. That’s GTAIV. IV is Four. V is Five.”

Customer: “Well if you’re going to lie to me, I’m going to another store!” (…and he did.)

(Another occasion…)

Customer: “What is that… Grand Theft Auto Eye Vee…”

Me: “Four.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Grand Theft Auto Four.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “It’s like the Rocky Movies.”

Customer: “OH. Oh. I see now. Heh. Four.”

(And finally, the big day: GTA IV was due to be released at midnight. I lost all hope for humanity when a customer came in and paid off the game, then asked…)

Customer: “Excuse me, what’s midnight?”

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