The Sweet, Slightly Nutty Taste Of Surrender

| | Right | May 6, 2008

Customer: “Where are your walnuts?”

Me: “It’s over with the other nuts.”

Customer: “I didn’t see them.”

Me: “They’re next to the cashews. Trust me, when you see them, you will laugh.”

(Time passes, I finish filling my bin and wade through Christmas crowd to check on the customer. I find her standing right in front of the walnuts. She’s clearly found them.)

Me: “You found them.”

Customer: “Yeah. I couldn’t see them because the sign was in the way.”

(Note she’s referring to a large, 18 inch sign with three inch wide red letters that read WALNUTS. It was added because customers complained they couldn’t find them.)

Me: “You couldn’t see the walnuts because of the sign that said WALNUTS?”

Customer: *angry* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “I…can’t help you.”

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Those Who Know Just Enough To Be Dangerous

| | Right | May 6, 2008

Me: “Hi Sir, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Uhh, yea, I need some CDs.”

Me: “Sure, we’ve got all kinds: CD-R, CD-RW and regular music CDs.”

Customer: “Umm, I just need CDs with lots of RAM.”

Me: “RAM? CDs don’t have RAM, computers do.”

Customer: “Oh…” *turns around and ambles out of the store*

(He then comes back a month later with a MacBook.)

Customer: “Uhh, yeah…I put Linux on it.”

Me: “That’s wonderful, you made a great choice.”

Customer: “But, like, I can’t use my Apple OSX anymore.”

Me: “Issues with Mac OSX? Okay, well. Lets take a look.”

(I turn the laptop on, and I see that he has installed Ubuntu, I go into the GRUB loader to basically boot OSX and I find that it is no longer there.)

Me: “Sir, did you reformat your hard drive in order to install Ubuntu?”

Customer: “Uhh, I don’t know, I just followed the directions.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like you reformatted your hard drive, got rid of anything and everything you had on your MacBook and installed Ubuntu.”

Customer: “So, can you fix it?”

Me: “You got rid of everything, including any backups you may have had. I cannot get anything back.”

Customer: “But I can get my files back right? I only formatted my Apple, right?”

Me: “No, nothing can be done. You can either become a Linux user or if you have restore discs you can use those.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll talk to my brother, he can probably get all my stuff back…”

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Better Ask The Halibut First

| | Right | May 6, 2008

Customer: “I’d like the halibut. Is there any way you can make that vegan?”

Me: “Other than by making it not be a fish, no.”

Customer: “Good point.”

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And On The 40th Day, The Customers Complained

| | Right | May 5, 2008

(It was raining one day and didn’t look like it would be stopping any time soon.)

Guest: “Hi, could you tell me when it’s going to stop raining?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure.”

Guest: “Well, why not? I came here to enjoy the park, and my family can’t do that when its pouring rain! When will it stop so we know when to come back?”

Me: “Hold on a sec…”

(I pick up the phone.)

Me: “Hi, GOD? Ya, its me, how you doing? Ya, ya…I’m good as you can see. Well you see this woman standing next to me? She’s wondering when you’re gonna stop the rain so she can enjoy the park…Oh, okay. I’ll let her know! Have a magical day!”

(The woman storms off to another cast member and demands to see my manager. I got fired, but it was TOTALLY worth it!)

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Touché

| | Right | May 5, 2008

(Our bar has been reserved for a private party. Signs are up all over the place, on fluorescent pink paper, including on the front door, right at eye level. A customer approaches the bar.)

Me: “Hi…I’m sorry, but the bar’s closed to the public tonight as there’s a private function taking place.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t see the sign on the door!”

Me: “So…how do you know it’s there?”

Customer: “…”

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