Dear readers,

It’s time to reveal the twenty highest-rated stories from 2018!

20 – Playing Unfair With The Fairer Sex
19 – That Is “Pretty” Awesome, Part 2
18 – Bagged Far More Than He Bargained For
17 – The Cake Price Is A Lie
16 – The Bosses Need To Clean Up Their Act
15 – Brunch Time Crunch Time
14 – There’s No Business Like None Of Your Business
13 – Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 11
12 – Dusting Off The Scum
11 – Fart Jokes Exist In A Vacuum
10 – Goodbye Fighting, Hello Kitty
9 – Mouse Versus Evil
8 – Must Be Friends With Aaron Schlossberg
7 – Man, What A Wait!
6 – This Prank Has A Drinking Problem
5 – The Best Comeback Since Sliced Bread
4 – Treat It Like A Boss
3 – Has The Authority To Tell You How It Is
2 – A Reversal Of Fortune
1 – The Adventures Of Captain Camp And Mother Russia

Do you have a favorite story from 2018 that didn’t make the top twenty? Don’t worry; you can still push to give it an honorable mention by telling us your best story here.

(A customer has been raising h*** over not getting the sale price on several bottles of the local wine; said sale ended two days ago. No matter what I try to do to explain she won’t hear it, and I eventually have to call over my manager.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but my cashier is correct. That sale was set by the company and ended on Sunday. It’s now Tuesday.”

Customer: “I don’t care! I couldn’t get here on Sunday! I spend more than enough here for you to make an exception!”

Manager: “Again, I’m sorry, but that cannot be done. The sale is ended; you can’t get the sale price.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not moving from here until I do, so you’ve got no choice!”

(She smugly folds her arms like she’s got us. My manager looks at the long line that’s behind her and takes a deep breath.)

Manager: “Very well, then, ma’am; have it your way.”

(He pulls out his phone and begins dialing.)

Customer: “Good, so you’re calling your corporate office to get me the sale price?”

Manager: “No, ma’am, I’m calling the police to have you removed from the store. If you’re going to be difficult and verbally aggressive, and prevent folk from buying their items, then I must remind you that I always have a choice in this situation, and that choice is to refuse you service!”

(The woman promptly loses her smug look as the manager stares dead at her.)

Manager: “Hello, I’m afraid I need you to send some officers over to—“ *begins to give our address*

Customer: “F*** YOU, YOU [GAY SLUR]!”

(She ran out of the store.)

(I work in the parking and transportation office of a major university. Among other things, we handle decal issuing and parking violations. As you might imagine, we have a number of angry people come in. This one is unique.)

Customer: “I’d like to make a report.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “A student stole my parking spot!”

Me: “Ah, someone parked in your reserved spot? We monitor those lots, and anyone who shouldn’t be there will be ticketed or towed.”

Customer: “No, I don’t have a reserved spot, but I have a decal! I’m supposed to be able to park in the deck! But that student came in there! I had nowhere to park!”

Me: “If the student had a parking pass for the deck, they’re permitted to park there. Unfortunately, the deck does get full…”

Customer: “But she stole my spot! Aren’t you going to do something about it? Tow her car!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I’m a little confused. If you don’t have a reserved spot, you must take any available space in the deck, and anyone with a valid decal may park there.”

Customer: “No! Are you stupid? She stole. My. Spot!”

Me: *it dawns on me* “Are you saying she took a spot you were trying to park in?”

Customer: “Yes! I saw an open spot and I put my blinker on to claim it, but she just went ahead and parked in it! Then she gave me sass. I demand you tow her car! Here’s her license number.” *shoves a piece of paper at me*

Me: “Ma’am, I’m truly sorry that happened to you, but as long as her car has a valid decal, she’s permitted to park there. Parking can be competit—“

Customer: “Nasty freeloading students, they don’t pay for anything or respect anyone! I bet she doesn’t have a decal. There’s her license! Look her up. You can charge her a fine and she’ll learn her lesson.”

Me: *deciding to humor her* “I will run the number to see if I have her in the system, all right? But I assure you, we regularly monitor all campus parking to be sure—“

Customer: “Just get her out of that spot! I need a place to park!”

Me: *after running the license* “Yes, ma’am, that car has a valid decal. I’m afraid there’s not much more we can transdo—“

Customer: “What?! That’s it? Just because she’s got your stupid decal, she gets away with it?! I demand you revoke her parking pass! Tow her car! That stupid b**** has to pay!”

Me: “Ma’am, again, there’s nothing we can do. We can’t ticket or tow a car that’s got the correct decal for the parking zone it’s in—“

Customer: “But she stole my spot!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but imagine if you purchased a decal and your car still got ticketed or towed. All we can verify is that the decal is up to date—“

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar? She stole my spot! I claimed it as soon as I saw it and she just pulled into it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe you, but as I said, we can’t tow a car that has the right to be there—“

Customer: “You are useless! Fine! I guess I have nowhere to park!”

Me: *thinking she must have found a place if she’s standing in front of me* “Sorry about that, ma’am, I hope your day gets better—“

Customer: “F*** you!”

(She stormed out. I’m still baffled she would think that we can tow or ticket a validly-parked car based on her account of someone “stealing” a spot.)

(I have been working at a restaurant owned by a German man for the last five months, and he is, hands down, the best boss I have ever had. He moved to the States eight years ago when he married an American woman. Back in Germany, he had three successful restaurants which he sold once he moved, and with the money, he opened one in Chicago. He does not believe in the American way to run restaurants, so he does it the same way he did in Germany. Plates do not overflow, there are no free refills, the customer is not always right, and the best, the staff does not rely on tips to pay rent; we get a proper salary — and still get tipped! After two weeks of working there, I have the unpleasant task of serving one of “Those” tables. The four ladies eat everything they are served, and once I bring them their bill this conversation happens.)

Customer: “I will not be paying for our second round of drinks, and I will not pay for the meals, either. They were disgusting.”

Me: “There are no free refills at this restaurant, so I am afraid you will have to pay for all your drinks, ma’am, as you will have to pay for your food.”

Customer: “NO, I WILL NOT PAY. I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR BOSS!”

(There’s no need to call the owner as he heard the screaming and is already on his way.)

Owner: “Hello. My name is [Owner], and I am the owner. May I ask what the issue is?”

Customer: “We were charged twice for our drinks, and our food was disgusting; we will not pay.”

Owner: *to me* “Have they been charged twice for the same drink, or were they given drinks twice?”

Me: “They all had two drinks.”

Owner: “Okay, madam, we do not do free refills here, which means you are going to have to pay for all your drinks. Regarding the food, you ate everything, so it couldn’t have been that disgusting. However, if it was, you now know what not to order next time.”

Customer: “Your waitress was very rude! I demand to be compensated!”

Owner: “I am sure she wasn’t; we’ve had no complaints thus far. Anyway, if you consider the service to have been subpar, don’t tip your waitress. I now have other customers to attend to. I wish you all a nice evening.”

(At this, he turned around and went back to charming the remaining customers. The complaining customer stood up and left, but fortunately one of the other three ladies had the decency to stay behind and pay.)

(A customer is calling about their coffee machine.)

Caller: “For lack of a better word, my machine is peeing all over my counter.”

Me: *pause* “Leaking?”

Caller: “Yeah! Peeing!”