Because Aramaic Is Sooo Last Millenium

| | Right | May 26, 2009

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah. I rented this movie, and ya’ll gave me the wrong one. This one has subtitles, and I wanted it in English.”

Me: “Sorry, sir. But Passion of The Christ is supposed to be in subtitles. It’s the way Mel Gibson made it.”

Customer: “Ya gotta be kiddin’ me! Why would he do somethin’ stupid like that?”

Me: “Well, I’m guess he just wanted to be true to its roots.”

Customer: “The idiot. Everyone knows the Bible is in English!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “So, can you fix it or what?”

Me: “Fix it? What do you mean?”

Customer: “Call up that Gibson feller and tell him to send you guys the English version!”

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Them’s Excitin’ Words

| | Right | May 25, 2009

(A girl and her boyfriend approached my customer service desk.)

Girl: “Excuse me, where are the dictionaries?”

Me: “Aisle 13.”

Girl: “Thank you!”

(A few minutes later the couple returned, dictionary in hand.)

Girl: “How do you spell ‘ecstatic’?”

Me: “E-C-S-T-A-T-I-C.”

Girl: *thumbing pages* “OK…”

Boy: “I’m tellin’ you, it ain’t a real word.”

(Since she was still unable to spell it, finding the word was proving difficult.)

Boy: *smugly* “SEE? If it was a real word, it would BE IN THE DICTIONARY, wouldn’t it?”

Girl: “I can’t find it!”

Me: “Try looking up ‘ecstasy’. They usually list the adjective forms of the noun at the end of the entry.”

Girl: *finding it* “Oh, here it is, see? ‘Ecstatic’ means a person experiencing ecstasy. Look, honey!”

Boy: *walking away* “It AIN’T A WORD, it AIN’T!”

Girl: *chasing after him waving the book* “LOOK! It’s right here! LOOOOOK!”

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Mistaking Kitty For Kujo

| Right | May 25, 2009

(I work at an animal hospital, which also helps adopt out strays. It’s a slow day, so I walk into the lobby cradling a kitten for anyone that is interested.)

Customer: “Is that your cat?”

Me: “No, this little guy is one of our strays. He needs a home.”

Customer: “Do you have any stray dogs?”

Me: “Yes, we have a couple of dogs that are available for adoption. However, we have more cats and they are easier to walk around with.”

Customer: “Never was a fan of cats. Dogs are always so friendly and loyal. You could die in your chair and your dog would just lie right next to you until they died too. A cat would probably start eating the flesh off your bones!”

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Time To Trade In One Slightly Used Mom

| | Right | May 25, 2009

Customer: “Is this flea market going well for you?”

Me: “Decently… considering how many other tables here, I’m glad for the business we’ve gotten.”

Customer: “You can sell just about anything here, right?”

Me: “Mmhmm.”

Customer: “If I give you twenty bucks, will you please sell my children?”

Me: “Well…um. I’m sorry, but no.”

Customer: “Please?”

Me: “I’m sorry. Selling your children would be slavery.”

Customer: “Okay. So, can I buy this?” *holds up a cheap ring*

Me: “Sure. That’ll be–”

Customer: “I’ll give you my daughter for it!”

Me: “No. You know what? If I give you the ring, will you go away?”

Customer: *goes away with her children and the cheap ring*

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Too Much Information, Part 6

| | Right | May 25, 2009

(I’m cleaning up several tables at a restaurant and overhear this conversation between three customers.)

Female Customer #1: “…porn star. You can’t be shy about it! There’s not being shy if you’re just going to be a porn star, anyway.”

Female Customer #2: “Yeah! What’re you working with, anyway?”

Male Customer: *gets up and faces table, hands moving towards jeans*

Me: *abandons tasks and leaves section immediately*


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