As Shameless As She Is Shirtless

, | | Right | July 15, 2009

(I’m second in line to use a dressing room. In front of me is an impatient lady.)

Customer: “When will I get to use the dressing rooms?”

Attendant: “Very soon, madam. You’re next in line, so it should be any minute now.”

Customer: “But I’ve been here ten minutes already!”

Attendant: “Have some patience, madam. One of the rooms should be free any moment now.”

(Suddenly, the customer starts to undress right in front of everyone.)

Attendant: “Madam! Please wait for one of the dressing rooms to be free before you remove any more clothing!”

(The customer stops, but not before removing her shirt and exposing her bra.)

Customer: “FINE!”

(Another customer walks out and the shirtless customer finally walks into a dressing room.)

Attendant, to me: “Wow… just in time. I didn’t need to see any more of that!”

(As if on cue, the impatient customer comes back out, but this time she’s completely topless.)

Topless customer, to attendant: “Here, take this shirt back. It’s too revealing!”

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Negative Tree-inforcement

| | Right | July 15, 2009

(A customer comes up with a 40 pound tree teetering on the edge of her flatbed cart.)

Customer: “This tree sure is wobbly!”

Me: “Just be careful with it, ma’am. Don’t let it fall.”

(As I lean down to scan several other smaller plants, the customer lets go of the tree and it hits me on the head.)

Me: “Ouch!”

Customer: “You should improve your attitude. You haven’t smiled once this whole time!”

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Foolish As A Second Language

| | Right | July 15, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, I’m from [collections agency]. Is **** available to speak?”

Young girl: “Sure, hold on one second.”

(A few moments later…)

Client: “Hello?”

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m making a courtesy call on behalf of [credit card company] about the overdue balance on the account you have with them.”

Client: “What?”

Me: “You currently owe $3,800.00, but you haven’t made a payment in 6 months. I’m calling to see if you’re having trouble paying the bill. I can also help you set up a payment plan to make it easier for you to handle the payments.”

Client: “NO HABLO ESPA√ëOL!”

Me: “Sir, that’s why I’m speaking to you in English.”

Client: “Huh?”

Me: “You just said, ‘I don’t speak Spanish’.”

(There’s a bit of a pause while he digests what I’ve said.)

Client: “…What do I owe again?”

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On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices

| | Right | July 15, 2009

Me: “*** Pharmacy, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotic and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

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Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Consumer

| | Right | July 14, 2009

(I was closing one night, and it was slow. A nervous-looking man came in and went to go order his drink.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to ****! What can I get for you this evening?”

Customer: “Um…yes. Can I get a coffee?”

Me: “OK, anything else tonight?”

Customer: “Yes…” *takes out piece of paper* “An iced venti unsweetened black tea.”

Me: “OK, your total is $4.30.”

Customer: *frowns* “How much is the iced tea?”

Me: “It’s $2.28…do you want me to take it off?”

Customer: “No…you see, I’m on a blind date. My date told me that her regular drink at **** was this iced tea…and also that the price of the iced tea is her weight.”

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