Size Matters Of The Heart

| | Right | June 1, 2009

(A customer and his wife came in to look for a TV to buy.)

Me: “Well, we have this 52″ Toshiba…”

Husband: *to his wife* “Well, bigger is always better. Right, hon?”

Wife: “I wouldn’t know…”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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The Royal Kiss-Off

| | Right | June 1, 2009

(There was a really long line at the convenience store I work at. A female customer at the back of the line was calling out to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir, I’d like to purchase this item.”

Me: “Um…there’s a line of about 10 people in front of you. You have to wait for them.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “This is an outrage! I’m a queen!”

Me: “…of where?”

Customer: “Oompaloompaland!”

Me: “Um…sorry to break it to you, but Oompaloompaland only exists in books.”

Customer: “That’s it!” *storms out*

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Baby On Board; Mother, Not So Much

| | Right | May 30, 2009

(A woman comes up to our movie theater with four small girls and a baby in a carrier.)

Customer: “Hi, four children and one adult to Hannah Montana, please.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be $32.00.”

Customer: *rummages around in her purse* “Oh, shoot! I’ve forgotten my wallet in the car. I’ll be right back.”

Me: “Okay, no problem.”

Customer: “Girls, you stay here with the nice lady…” *looks at me* “Should I leave the baby here, or take it with me?”

Me: “Ma’am, please take your infant with you!”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Girls, be good!”

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Random Acts Of Whininess

| | Right | May 30, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, what is that stuff in your greek salad? Gor-gon-zalla?”

Me: “Gorgonzola. It is a type of cheese.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get a Diet Coke?”

Me: “Sorry, we only have Diet Pepsi.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “Let me see your manager, NOW!”

(I retreat to the back and send up my manager. He has a three minute round with the customer. The customer departs, yelling, “I’m gonna sue you and your whole d*** company!” before storming out the door.)

Me: “What was he so mad about?”

Manager: “I was about to ask you the same thing. What did he ask you for?”

Me: “Cheese on our Greek salad and diet soda. What was he talking to you about?”

Manager: “The speed-dating event that was held here last night.”

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There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

| | Right | May 30, 2009

Me: “[Law office], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

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