Oh, Give Me A Home Where The Jumbo Shrimp Roam

| | Right | July 24, 2008

Me: “Can I help you with anything sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for some shrimp.”

Me: “Shrimp is in the seafood department, right over there.”

Customer: “See, I don’t want to boil them, I just want to barbecue them.”

Me: “Okay, well, they should be in the seafood department.”

Customer: “But I want to barbecue them. Could you get me a pound of shrimp?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have shrimp in the deli.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any?”

Me: “We only have deli meat and cheese in the deli. The seafood department has shrimp, just over there.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because shrimp are seafood… they live in the sea.”

Customer: “… really?”

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Now Playing: Busted

| | Right | July 24, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [movie theater].¬†Can I help you?”

Customer: “Two for [rated R movie].”

Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

Customer: ¬†”I don’t have any.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell you any tickets.”

Customer: “But I’m 17! I’m allowed to see it!”

Me: “Not without an ID you aren’t! And even if you had an ID, I could only sell you one. You have to be 21 to buy more than one.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! Look, I drove here today!”

(At this point he flashes daddy’s Mercedes keys in my face to “prove” he drove here.)

Me: “So, let me get this straight. You drove your Mercedes here without any form of ID, including a driver’s license?”

Customer: “YEAH! WHAT OF IT?!”

Me: ¬†”I’m sure the Raleigh Police Officer standing right behind you would love to have a word with you.”

 

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Yeah, That Might Do It

| | Right | July 24, 2008

Ticket log: “When I shake my computer, I get the blue screen of death”.

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The Knights Of Ni Say Boo

| | Right | July 24, 2008

(Before a performance of Spamalot, I was watching a young attendant walking up and down the aisle selling spam sandwiches the way other plays would sell ice cream.)

Sandwich seller: “Spam sandwiches! Anyone care for a spam sandwich? Would anyone like to buy a spam sandwich?”

Audience member: “What flavour are they?”

Sandwich seller: “… spam.”

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Like, OMG, You’re Stupid

| | Right | July 24, 2008

(I’m a desk assistant at a college dorm. One day, these two giggly freshman girls come up to me.)

Girl #1: “Ummm… can we, like, borrow your phonebook?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Girl #1: *flips through the book, looking completely dumbfounded*

Me: “Need help finding something?”

Girl #2: *whispers* “Jason’s is under ‘J’.”

Girl #1: *whispers back* “I know, but sometimes I forget the alphabet…”

Girl #2: “OmiGAWD me too!”¬†*giggle giggle*

(I grab the phonebook and look up their listing.)

Me: “Here–Jason’s.”

Girl #1: “Oh my GAWD thank you! They should really have a college course for, like, phone books! I’m not from this town, so, ya know…”

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