Those Pesky Twin Brothers

| | Right | March 1, 2008

(I am calling customers with overdue movies to remind them that they are due back.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, this is Lynne up at Movie M**** and I was just calling to remind you that The Bourne Identity and Barnyard were both due back about 6 days ago. So, if you could get those back to–”

Customer: “I told the guy that called last night I didn’t rent those movies!”

Me: “Well, sir, I can give you the exact time and date they were rented, if that would help you remember…”

Customer: “And when the hell did I supposedly rent these movies?”

Me: “Wednesday, the 23rd at 7:13 pm.”

Customer: “I didn’t rent them! I was out of the country last week!”

Me: “Sir, do you have a brother?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have a brother! Why in the hell do you want to know that?!”

Me: “Because if you were out of the country then it must be your twin brother on the security tape renting those movies.”

(Customer sputters for a moment.)

Me: “If you can get those back to us before we close tonight at 10 pm, there will be no further late charges.”

Customer: “Okay.” *hangs up*

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Alls Well That Ends Well In Roswell

| Right | March 1, 2008

(I worked at a sign making company in Vancouver–AKA Hollywood North–that did a lot of work for locally produced sci-fi TV shows like The X-Files. We did a lot of signage that said things like “FBI Headquarters” that they would use to make a local library look like some kind of secret government research facility.)

Movie Set B*tch: “OMG! We need a TEAK sign that says FBI headquarters down here at the set in three hours.”

(Note: This job normally takes one person several days to complete with staining and whatnot.)

Me: “Okay. We can do it but we’re going to have to charge you triple for a rush job.”

MSB: “No problem. Just have it down here in three hours. I don’t care how much it costs.”

Me: “Just to confirm. You want it stained to look like teak, yes?”

MSB: “Yes. Please hurry!”

(We get the sign done in 2.5 hours but we’re literally applying the last coat of stain to it while we drive to the studio to make sure it looks good when we get there.)

(MSB Looks at the sign and throws a fit.)

MSB: “I SAID TEAK! TEAK! TEAK! TEAK!”

(I look around. The whole set is done in mahogany. Very different colour of wood, if you’re not familiar.)

Me: *points at the mahogany set* “Do you mean this colour?”

MSB: “YES! TEAK!”

Me: “That’s mahogany”.

MSB: “F*CK YOU, YOU LITTLE SH*T. YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS IF IT PUTS US OFF SCHEDULE!”

(MSB storms off to find the director. The director comes around, looking pissed.)

Director: “What’s the problem?”

(MSB tells him how stupid we are and that she specifically asked for teak. The director looks at the set and at our sign.)

Director, to MSB: “God d*mnit, you’re dumb! The set is mahogany. You were supposed to order mahogany signs!”

MSB: *looks like she’s going to barf*

(The director apologized to us and asked us how fast we could re-make the sign. We told him 2 hours but it was going to cost them.)

(On the bright side, we got to have lunch with Scully and Mulder.)

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So Much For That First Impression

| | Right | February 29, 2008

(We are accustomed to seeing celebrities walk into our store. One day, Forest Whitaker came in looking for a book. We played it cool and treated him like any other customer. Just as he was leaving, one of our regulars recognized him.)

Customer: “Oh my god! You’re Forest Whitaker! You were in [movie]!”

Forest: “No, I wasn’t.”

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Can We Get Anymore Clueless?

| | Right | February 29, 2008

Customer: “I want to buy these pans that I saw on sale online.”

Me: “Alright, ma’am, what brand are they?”

Customer: “I don’t know that!”

Me: “Okay…how much are they?”

Customer: “I don’t know that either!”

Me: “Do you perhaps have a photo of the pans?”

Customer: “I didn’t have time to do that!”

Me: “Alright ma’am, sometimes things sold online are not sold in store.”

Customer: “”All I know is that they were at this store and they were different colors.”

Me: “What colors were the pans?”

Customer: “I don’t remember!”

(I show her every pot and pan set that was a different color from the norm. E.g., orange, green and blue. Of course, that wasn’t what she wanted. She picks out an item that wasn’t even close to like she wanted in the first place. She goes to put the item in her cart, but she had lots of stuff in her cart and it doesn’t fit.)

Customer: “What am I supposed to do, it doesn’t fit in my cart!”

(she acted like it was my fault the stuff didn’t fit. I guess I was suppose to shrink the box for her.)

Me: “Well ma’am, why don’t you take some stuff out. Put the big stuff on the bottom and the small stuff on the top.”

Customer: *looks at me like a deer in the headlights*

(I was paged to another area of the store and walked away from her. I’m sure I would have punched her otherwise.)

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The Great Doll Heist of ’08

| | Right | February 29, 2008

(I was working in the back, getting things ready for the next floor set, and I had to pull some mannequins from the floor and dress them. I was dragging one of the full body forms towards the back, when a customer approached me.)

Her: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

(Note that I’m wearing the uniform and I still have a headset in my ear.)

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m stealing this mannequin.”

Her: “Oh, okay. thanks.”

(She turns around to find someone else to help her.)

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