Where There’s Smoke Alarms…

, , , , | Right | February 16, 2018

(I work in a hardware store. A customer comes in.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to return this smoke alarm.”

Me: “Okay. Can I pull up your details?”

(He did indeed buy items on the day in question, but not a smoke alarm.)

Me: “Sir, the smoke alarm doesn’t match anything on your receipt I pulled up.”

Customer: “Well, I bought it here!”

Me: “Let me try something else, then.”

(I set a portable scanner to check barcodes. It comes up with an error saying the barcode isn’t in our database.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We do not carry this item. It’s not in our database, and we use this across the entire chain.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I’m telling you I bought this here at [Store] yesterday! It’s in mint condition! You have an agreement on your receipts that I have thirty days to change my mind!”

Me: “Sir, sorry, but is now a bad time to point out that the bag you pulled the smoke alarm from has [Competitor] written on it?”

(The customer blanches and looks at it.)

Me: *pointing in direction of [Competitor]* “Two doors down; you can’t miss it.”

(The customer grabbed the smoke alarm and was off like a shot.)

The Cup Runneth Over With Complaint

, , , , | Right | February 16, 2018

Customer: “I’d like a 12-ounce, non-fat, iced, decaf latte, but I want you to put it in a larger cup.”

Me: “Why would you like it in a larger cup, ma’am?”

Customer: “When you add the ice, it takes the place of some of the milk. I want the 12-ounce, but in a bigger cup, so I don’t lose the milk.”

Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am. I’d be giving you a larger size for the same price as the smaller size if I did that.”

Customer: “No, you wouldn’t. It would be the same size, but in a larger cup, so I get the extra milk.”

Me: “That would be the same as me just giving you the larger size for less.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you can’t just give the small latte in a larger cup!”

Me: “Because—”

Customer: “Whatever. Just do what you have to do!”

(I made and charged her for a 16-ounce iced drink.)

A Poultry Knowledge Of Food

, , , , , | Right | February 16, 2018

Caller: “I need one large cheese pizza, please!”

Caller’s Friend: “No, no! Get half pepperoni!”

Caller: “NO! My son is vegan, and he would want a whole separate pizza, then!”

Caller’s Daughter: “Mom, he does eat meat! He eats ham!”

Caller: “No, ham is not a meat; it’s a poultry!”

Happy Lunar New Year!

| Right | February 16, 2018

Today is Chinese New Year (or Lunar New Year – the Chinese don’t own the holiday!), and to celebrate bringing in the Year Of The Dog, we’ve rounded up some Chinese-themed stories for your amusement. We’d like to wish all our readers, Gong Xi Fa Cai/Gong Hey Fat Choy!

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Powers – The Chinese all have secret powers, you know…

And We Wonder Why Everyone Hates Us – This will make your eyes go wide in shock.

Thankful For Diwali – Lunar New Year isn’t the only holiday we should be thankful for.

Out Shopping For A New Friend – Because kindness knows no ethnic or national boundaries!

Barking Up The Wrong Culinary Tree – Some cliches taste disgusting.

One Good Takeout Deserves Another – Oy vey, it’s another holiday!

Forced To Change Her Perspective – Don’t be a slave to stereotypes.

Flipping Through The Atlas – It all ends with a hard drink.

Customers Should Watch Their Language, Part 2 – To her, Mandarin is not just a fruit.

Not Just For Kicks – Very Wrong Fei Hung

Doesn’t Know Their A(merican)B(orn)C(hinese)’s – Because Chinese people have to have accents, apparently…

You Can’t Squeeze Two Years Into One

, , , , | Right | February 16, 2018

(I work in a high-end gift shop near a popular tourist destination. A woman walks up to me holding two calendars and a £20 note.)

Customer: “What kind of discount do I get for buying more than one of something?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any multi-buy discounts.”

Customer: “Hmph. Well, these calendars are £10.99. I have £20.”

(She looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “How many can I buy?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you’re asking me. You may buy as many calendars as you like. But two calendars would cost £21.98. If you only have £20, you can only buy one calendar.”

Customer: *stares blankly*

Me: “So, let’s ring that up for you!”

(I lead the customer over to the tills, where she handed me both calendars and the £20 note. She looked quite disgruntled that I placed one calendar behind the counter and scanned the other, but she said nothing. When I handed her change to her, she pulled out a wallet positively stuffed with money. So much for not having the extra £1.98!)

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