Because There Has Only Ever Been One Mother Ever

, , | Right | October 19, 2018

(I work at reception on a nursing unit. I have received a version of this call many times.)

Caller: “I’m calling to check on my mom.”

(Long pause.)

Me: “Who is your mom?”

(Substitute dad, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, grandmother, or any other friend or relative.)

Every Racist Bone In His Body

, , , , | Right | October 19, 2018

(I am a manager at a particular restaurant with very high after-church trade. A well dressed fella enters, making it known to all that he’s the pastor of a local church. After sitting down, having a drink, and ordering a meal; he calls me over.)

Customer: ‘Go tell one of those [awful racist slur] to dig in the bin for bones for my dog.”

Me: *shocked* “Excuse me? One of those whats?”

Customer: *repeats racial slur and points at one of the waiters* “One of those things!”

Me: “Here we refer to people who deliver your food as waiters, not that. We don’t tolerate hate speech.”

Customer: “Well, just tell it to get me bones!”

Me: “Tell HER, and she has a name. You won’t like this but her job is not digging in dustbins and I neither can nor will I insist that she digs in bins. If you want bones, you’re welcome to get them yourself.”

Customer: “I’m a pastor and a customer! If I want a [racist slur] to dig in a bin for me, you damn well will make it happen.”

Me: “Sir, whatever you think of her is up to you. However, she is a human being, she WILL be treated with respect. I believe you might enjoy dining elsewhere. Please leave.”

Customer: “F*** you! You’re nothing but a [racist slur] lover. I’m reporting you.”

Me: “Be my guest. Goodbye.”

(Next day I got a call from head office. Turned out he did report me. Sadly for him, instead of a reprimand, they were well chuffed he got kicked out. The service agent he called also heard countless slurs used.)

Trying To Rock The Boat With Taxes

, , , | Right | October 19, 2018

(I receive a phone call from a VERY angry person who wants access to a gated boat launch.)

Customer: “Hi. I’d like to know why you have a gate on the road to [Lake]. I need to get back there. Why is it locked?”

Me: “Hi. Yes, we keep the [Lake] gate locked at all times. If you’d like access, you need to come up to our office in person so we can get you on the access list. After that, we can give you the lock combination to get in.”

Customer: “You mean, I have to be on some list to be able to use the boat launch? This is crazy. This is public property and I’m a taxpayer. I’ve been coming to this lake for years, and now I’m not allowed to? Why?”

Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but we’ve had problems with people going in and dumping trash there. Now that it’s locked, the area is more secure and stays a lot cleaner for the people who come to use it.”

Customer: “But on whose authority is it locked up? This isn’t right! Who are you to prevent people from going back there? It’s our land! The taxpayers’ land!” *voice trembles as if they are starting to cry*

Me: “Actually, our park is no longer supported by taxes. We are self-sufficient. And the park supervisor decides how our land is managed. [Lake] is on our property, and we have the authority to put a gate on the access road if we wish. So, if you want access, you are more than welcome to come up to our office and see us. We can add you to the list and give you the lock combination.”

Customer: *hesitates* “I’ll think about it. I’ll probably come on another day because your office is out of my way, and I’m not going to make a special trip up there just to get a combination.”

Me: “All right, we will be here when you’re ready.”

(Ugh… Rules are rules for a reason.)

I’m Coming And Going

, , , | Right | October 19, 2018

(I’m the stupid customer in this one. I’m trying to kill time before I go into work that morning. I’ve already been awake for a couple hours but I am still tired.)

Me: “Could I have just a [breakfast item], please?”

Cashier: “Sure. Is that for here or to go?”

Me: “To here.”

Cashier: *confused* “So… is that…”

Me: *realizing what I said, getting more flustered* “Oh, I mean… for here. I’m really sorry.”

(I walked away after paying, but I was embarrassed for a while after. I didn’t mean to confuse the poor woman!)

To Undoodle A Poodle

, , , , , | Right | October 18, 2018

(A woman brings in her dog to get groomed. The dog is a Goldendoodle, a cross between a Golden Retriever and a Poodle.)

Me: “So, what would you like to do for her haircut today?”

Customer: “I don’t want her to look too much like a Poodle.”

Me: “Well, your dog is half Poodle, but I’ll see what we can do.”

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