(It’s springtime and the weather has finally gotten warm out, so naturally, as a home improvement store with a garden center, we are busy for the day. It’s the week before Memorial Day, so we have deals going on. Our particular company has special deals for contractors and professionals, so they get coupons. I’m working at the contractor’s end of the store as their cashier. [Customer #1] places his items on the counter.)

Me: “How are you today, sir?”

Customer #1: “I’m okay, thanks.”

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, yeah, I found everything fine.”

([Customer #1] then punches in his phone number at the pin-pad so that the transaction is recorded on his professional account.)

Me: “All right, your total is…”

Customer #1: “Hold on! I have coupons.”

(The customer proceeds to pull out his phone and show me an email advertisement for deals we have in the store.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but those aren’t coupons. Those are just advertisements telling you what is on sale currently.”

Customer #1: “No, these are coupons! I shop here all the time; I usually get a discount. Hold on. Let me find them.”

(He proceeds to show me ANOTHER email advertisement that he received.)

Me: “Sir, those are the same thing. They aren’t coupons; I can’t accept them.”

([Customer #1] then proceeds to shoot me a nasty glare. My line has started a queue with two more customers behind him.)

Customer #1: “Well, I guess that means you’re going to hold your line up until I find a coupon!”

Me: “Would you like me to suspend—”

Customer #1: “Nope! They can wait until you give me some kind of discount!”

(Both customers are looking at him rather disgustedly, like they can’t believe what they’re hearing. [Customer #1] then proceeds to point at the piece of MOULDING I have in my hand that he’s purchasing.)

Customer #1: “See? Thirty percent off of paint accessories! That’s a paint accessory!”

(The moulding is $9. I’m fed up with this customer, as are my other customers in line.)

Me: *takes 30% off of the item* “All right, sir, there you go! Your total is $89.36.”

([Customer #1] pays, giving me a triumphant look before leaving. [Customer #2] approaches.)

Customer #2: “I’m glad you dealt with that, because if you didn’t I was going to say something.”

Customer #3: “That guy was an a**hole. I got the same exact email ad, and I’m not running around purposely holding up lines and blaming the cashier!”

Me: “Thank you both for being patient with that situation!”

(Both customers paid and left, complimenting me on a job well done as they went by. The fact he threw a fit over non-existent coupons just to get $3 off was the real kicker!)

(It’s closing time for the day, and I’ve gone through almost the entire closing routine; the remaining bread that wasn’t sold for the day has been picked up by a local homeless shelter, I’ve counted the register, and I’m just in the process of getting a broom for the floor when I hear somebody enter through the door. I look out into the store to see a woman standing by the counter, talking on her cell phone. I watch her for about ten seconds before she looks up from her conversation and sees me.)

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed.”

Customer: “But your door was open.”

Me: “Oh, I was sure I closed it.”

(The door is old and the lock can jolt back unless you give the door a push when you lock it.)

Customer: “Oh… ’cause your door was open.”

(She starts looking at the empty shelves, the empty glass counter, and the empty bread baskets. There’s nothing left that I can sell her.)

Me: “Well, we’re closed, sorry. We closed half an hour ago, and all the bread and buns have been picked up by a local shelter we donate to, and the register is closed and counted for the day.”

Customer: “Oh… Okay… Because your door was open!” *leaves*

(I lock the door properly behind her.)

Me: *to coworker* “What did she expect me to say? ‘Oh, of course, I was wrong; I thought we closed, but apparently we are open! Let me go and bake a new loaf of bread for you!’”

(I am working a morning shift behind my register when a disheveled man walks in and approaches the counter. He mumbles and slurs his words together when he talks, making him very difficult to understand.)

Customer: “I need a—” *incomprehensible*

Me: “Sorry, what was that?”

Customer: “I said I need a dollar!”

Me: *thinking he needs to exchange some bills or coins* “Okay, what do you have on you? And how would you like that?”

Customer: “Nooo, I need a dollar.”

Me: *now thinking he might need cash back* “Okay, you just have you buy something small, like a pack of gum or something. I can’t give out money directly from the register.”

Customer: *growing more frustrated* “NO! You see, I have four dollars. And I need five dollars. So, I need a dollar.”

Me: “Sir, I can’t just give out money from the register.”

Customer: *stares at me with a mixture of anger and confusion*

Me: “I can give you cash back or exchange money, but I can’t just give you a dollar. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “I can’t give you money out of my register.”

Customer: *stares at me again and finally leaves*

(I’m not sure why that dollar was so important, or why it’s so hard to understand that stores don’t just give money out to people who ask.)

(A customer storms in with a pair of boots and slams them down on the counter.)

Customer #1: “Feet wet, boots Gore-Tex, money back, NOW!”

Me: *looking the boots over* “How long have you had them?”

Customer #1: “A year, but that doesn’t matter… Money back, NOW!”

Me: “Actually, it does.”

(I ask him to follow me to the footwear wall where all our boots are displayed, and I begin explaining to him that Gore-Tex is a one-way valve material in between layers of the footwear. It allows your perspiration to escape in the form of water vapor, but Gore-Tex is not what keeps the outer materials dry. That is a repellent called DWR, and it needs to be renewed at least once a year.)

Customer #1: “You have no idea what you’re talking about, and if you don’t give me my money back right now, I’ll have no choice but to talk with your manager.”

(Just then, another customer looking at footwear chimes in. He is older, with grey hair and glasses.)

Customer #2: “Excuse me. I don’t mean to interrupt… but he’s absolutely spot on with his simplified definition.”

Customer #1: “This isn’t any of your business!”

Customer #2: “Actually, it is. You see… I am one of the scientists who originally developed Gore-Tex. Perhaps you should listen to this gentleman; you might learn how to take care of your boots properly.”

Customer #1: “When I bought these boots, no one told me I had to maintain them.”

Me: “That may be so, and if it is, you have my apologies. Other than the DWR having worn off the outer of the boots, it looks like they still have plenty of life in them.”

(I hand him a can of water repellent from the shelf.)

Me: “By the way, I am the manager… and this one’s on me.”

(I work in social services where we provide care for elderly people who cannot look after themselves. We cover all of London, so it’s a very large area. I receive this call from a member of the public.)

Me: “Good afternoon. How can I help?”

Caller: “I want to report a vulnerable elderly man to you so that he can get care.”

Me: “Okay, can I take his name and address?”

Caller: “I don’t know that.”

Me: “Okay. Can you tell me whereabouts in London he lives?”

Caller: “I don’t know. But he was fat and bald and was in a wheelchair. He said he was struggling to cope at home. I saw him at [Local Supermarket]. You know, the one opposite the chemist?”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know where you’re referring to, and without knowing his name or address, there’s not really anything we can do! If you could find that out, I’d be happy to help.”

Caller: “Well, you’ve been no help at all. If he was dying, would you just let him die?!”

Me: “Sir, if he was dying, I would suggest you call an ambulance. We don’t provide medical assistance.”

Caller: “Well, thank you for nothing!” *hangs up*

(I wish I could say that was a rare call. Alas, we get lots of people wanting results from nothing.)