Back in the nineties, I waited on a group of four old guys at the coffee shop I worked at. They all ordered water to drink except for one guy, who had coffee.

As I was taking their food order, I watched one guy (not the guy who ordered the coffee) put cream and sugar in his friend’s coffee and begin drinking it. After I was finished taking the order, the coffee “thief” said:

Coffee Thief: “Oops, I just realized I didn’t order coffee, and I ruined my friend’s coffee. Go ahead and bring him a fresh cup and, since this one is already here, I’ll drink it so it doesn’t go to waste.”

Me: “Sir, if you’re going to drink that coffee, it’s going on the bill.”

Coffee Thief: “C’mon, it’s just a cup of coffee.”

Me: “It’s just a cup of coffee, but my friend, you ain’t playing me.”

I took the coffee back and poured it out into the bus tub while looking him straight in the eye. They did not come back after that.

Customer: “Is there any way I can get a coffee with ten creams and still keep it hot?”

Coworker: “Yes, you move into an alternate universe which has different rules of thermodynamics where heat transfer doesn’t occur spontaneously from a region of lower temperature to a region of higher temperature.”

Customer: “So… no?”

Coworker: “I can do warm at best.”

Customer: *Sighs.* “I guess I’ll settle.”

Related:
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 30
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 29
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 28
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 27
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 26

A customer has ordered his breakfast eggs over hard, which I have just placed in front of him.

Customer: “Uh, what the f*** are those?!”

Me: “Your eggs. You ordered them over-hard.”

Customer: “Why the h*** can I still see the yolk? These need to be scrambled!”

Me: “Then you need to order them scrambled, sir. These are over-hard.”

Customer: “Over hard means all mixed up, you f****** idiot!”

Me: “Sir, please stop shouting and swearing. Over-hard eggs are fried eggs cooked until the whites are fully set, and the yolk is completely solid; no runny center. That’s it.”

Customer: “That’s not what they are! I make over-hard eggs every morning, and they always come out scrambled, you f—”

At this point, our mama bear of a chef bursts through the double swing doors and marches right up to this shouting customer.

Chef: “—Shut up! Shut up! Just because you use a non-oiled stainless steel pan every morning and murder the f*** out of your stuck-on eggs doesn’t mean we have to listen to your abuse! Now shut up, eat your eggs quietly, tip your waitress, and move on! This conversation is now over!”

She starts swearing and muttering in her native language as she storms back into the kitchen. The customer starts swearing and muttering in his native language as he eats his breakfast. I do no swearing or muttering, as I got a tip (5%, but hey), and I never had to see him again.

A customer is holding a pack of AA batteries in her hand.

Customer: “Do these come fully charged?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Hmm… they don’t feel charged.”

She proceeds to bounce them around in her hand as if to analyze the weight.

Me: “They don’t look or weigh any different depending on if they’re charged or not.”

Customer: “Of course they do! When the charge is gone, then the batteries are empty! You learn that at school! You probably didn’t go, which is why you work here…”

Last night, I made the usual “Store closing in one hour” announcement at 8:00. Then I announced again at 8:15 and 8:30 per usual procedure. Right after the 8:30 announcement, a large group of giggling young people trooped in. So, instead of waiting until 8:40 to make the next announcement, I announced at 8:35. From 8:40 on, it is usual to announce every five minutes. 

When I announced at 8:40, a customer in a coworker’s line turned to me and said:

Customer: “Are you really going to tell everyone to leave every five minutes?”

Me: “Yes, yes, I am.”

Customer: “You’re rude. Why are you doing that?!”

Me: “It’s normal procedure starting at 8:40, and I added 8:35 to let the newcomers know that we were closing soon.”

Customer: “You’re a very rude person. It’s a ridiculous policy, and I find it offensive.”

As she walked out, she announced that she was never shopping at our store again. I waited until she got out the door before I said:

Me: “Is that a promise?”

After closing, I told my manager about it, and when I got to explaining that the customer asked “Are you going to…”, she beat me to the “Yes, I am.” Then, when I got to the “Why?” question, she said, “Because we don’t want to be here all f****** night.”