Needs To Go On A Diet From Douchebags

, , , , , | Right | October 17, 2018

(I am the last person serving at my cinema before close. An obviously drunk guy comes in with his girlfriend to buy a load of tickets to our final show of the night.)

Me: “Okay, that comes to [price]. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “You could give me a discount on the tickets.”

Me: “Oh, did you have some of the [vouchers given to customers with tickets that can be redeemed for money off their next purchase]?”

Customer: “No, but you’re going to take some off the book and backdate the stamp for me.”

Me: “No, I’m not. That’s strongly against our policy.”

Customer: “But a girl did it before!”

(This argument goes on for a while before he finally gives up, swears at me, and demands a large popcorn.)

Girlfriend: “Uh, can I have a Coke, too, please?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Better make that a diet! Have you seen the size of her?”

(The girl is maybe a UK size 14 at a push — hardly fat, not that it would have made it any better if she had been. Regardless, her face falls and she stares at the ground.)

Me: “Did you want a regular coke?”

Girlfriend: *sadly* “No… He’s right. I better get the diet, I guess.”

(I poured her a regular and popped the diet sign on the lid. She took a sip and smiled at me, but cuddled up to him, anyway. His group showed up shortly after and they all went into the theatre together, of course leaving all their crap behind afterwards. I hope that girl came to her senses and got away from that eventually.)

A Breakdown Of The Breakdown Services

, , , | Right | October 17, 2018

(Our roadguard insurance covers quite a lot of stuff, like sending a road guard for repair on the spot or for towing your broken vehicle to a garage. It does not, however, cover the costs of repair at the garage — since these tend to be quite high — or any unforeseen additional hotel costs. Somehow, many people just assume certain stuff is covered, without carefully reading the terms and conditions. We often receive phone calls from people who don’t get it.)

Caller: “Hi, my car broke down in Germany, a while ago. I’m back home now, but I have a question. It’s [license number].”

Me: “Yes, I found it.”

Caller: “The repair costs at the garage were €150. Apart from that, I had to book a hotel for two nights, with some meals, making that a bill of €140. Can I get these covered?”

Me: “Unfortunately, sir, these costs are no part of our roadguard insurances. However, it might be possible to declare the unforeseen hotel costs at your travel insurance. Do you have a travel insurance, sir?”

Caller: “Yes, I do. So, I should declare the hotel costs there?”

Me: “Best thing you could do, sir. You should contact that insurance to check that.”

Caller: “But how about the repair costs?”

Me: *tactically* “Well… usually that is not a part of the roadguard insurance, either.”

Caller: “Well, I have been a member for ten years, and have paid my insurance premium every time, without any trouble or damage. I think that should be worth something. If not, why do I have an insurance?”

Me: “For road help, sir, which you got. We covered that.”

Caller: “Is there really no way?”

Me: “Well, you could try to declare the hotel costs through our declaration form. However, I can’t guarantee any success.”

(I’m just saying this in order to finish the call. I know this won’t work, but at least the guy will stop, and I have pointed out it might not work.)

Caller: “Okay, I’ll go to my travel insurance with the hotel bill. And I’ll try to declare the garage costs through your online form. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll simply terminate my insurance with you.”

(That means he won’t get any covered assistance at all next time. With an insurance, he could contact us and report his problem to us in his mother tongue, while we sent out the order to the foreign roadguard and covered the costs of that, which in a worst-case scenario can cost over €350!)

You Gave Obsessive Tom A Code: It Was Super Effective!

, , | Right | October 16, 2018

(It’s my first week working at a video game store. The store has a promotion where it’s giving out codes for a free legendary Pokémon. A man who looks incredibly high on something runs literally into the store before managing to make it through the door. He’s wearing an unzipped Pikachu jacket, a Pokémon T-shirt, and an Ash Ketchum hat.)

Me: *looking concerned* “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Meh!” *points behind counter* “Meh!”

Me: “Do you want an Arceus code?”

Customer: “Yeee!”

Me: “Okay, here you go, sir.”

Customer: *incoherent gibberish*

(He runs back out of the store, trips over a trash can, and then cuts a hard right before running off into the ether, leaving me looking really confused.)

Me: “What just happened?”

Coworker: “Oh, we call that guy ‘Obsessive Tom.’ Everytime something Pokémon comes out, he comes running in like that and does the same thing he did just now. We usually look forward to his visits!”

(I think I’m kind of looking forward to them, too, now.)

You Gouda Brie Kidding

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2018

Customer: *in condescending tone* “I need a pound of American cheese.”

Me: “Someone’s using that right now; can I get you any meats until the cheese slicer is free?”

Customer: “I need provolone. Is Stella Swiss provolone?”

Me: *pause* “No.”

They Should Aspire To Do Better

, , , | Right | October 16, 2018

(I work at an electronic cigarette store. The amount of people who know nothing about their devices astonishes me. An e-cigarette tank requires a coil to heat up the juice in order to make it into vapor.)

Me: “Hey there. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a coil.”

Me: “Okay, for what kind of tank?”

(The customer points at a battery device, not a tank.)

Customer: “It’s for something like this.”

Me: “Well, that’s just the device that powers the tank; which one do you have for that device?”

Customer: “A tank.”

Me: “What kind of tank?”

Customer: *starting to get mad* “A tank for e-juice.”

Me: “Okay, do you remember the brand of the tank?”

Customer: “It’s an Aspire tank.”

Me: “Okay, which kind of Aspire tank?”

(We have about six different tanks from that one company.)

Customer: “Aspire.”

Me: “Which one?”

Customer: “ASPIRE!”

Me: “Okay, let me show you all the coils we carry from that company.”

Customer: *looks at them* “I don’t know what one goes into it.”

(He finally just picks one and leaves. About an hour later he comes back, screaming at me for a refund.)

Customer: “YOU SOLD ME THE WRONG ONE, AND I WASTED ALL MY JUICE, AND IT POURED ALL OVER THE PLACE!”

(He brought his device in, and it wasn’t even the Aspire brand.)

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