Right Backed Up At Ya

(I’ve been admitted to the hospital through the ER overnight for unbelievable stomach pains. After determining that it is not my appendix but a bowel blockage that is to blame for my incapacitation, the doctors put me on a low dose sedative and some pain meds while they assess the best way to… move things along. As soon as my store opens the next day, I call to let someone know what is happening. My store manager — who is basically the equivalent of Professor Umbridge from “Harry Potter” — answers the phone.)

Manager: *incredibly cheery, obviously fake* “Hello there! Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [Manager], the store manager. How can I help you today?”

Me: “Hi, [Manager]. This is [My Name]. Last night I—”

Manager: *suddenly angry* “If you’re calling off, don’t bother.”

Me: “But I—”

Manager: “Not that you work much, anyway. You sit down every chance you get; you always look angry. You even left early yesterday!”

Me: “Yeah, about that, I had to go to the—”

Manager: “You will be here on time or you are fired. Do you hear me?”

Me: “Okay, then.”

Manager: “Good.” *hangs up*

(I immediately call the corporate office to report her and explain my side of things. The representative asks me to fax a letter from my doctor so that I can be put on medical leave. A week later, I return to work. My manager is waiting for me by the time clock.)

Manager: “Fancy seeing you here, [My Name].”

Me: “Hi. How was your week?”

Manager: “Very productive! I spoke with corporate. After you failed to show up for your shift, I told them you called but didn’t say why you wouldn’t be in.”

Me: “Yeah. I sent them all my medical paperwork, since you threatened to fire me for going to the ER, which they know.”

Manager: “Well, now, that’s not entirely true, is it? What exactly sent you racing to the doctor anyway?”

Me: “I had a bowel blockage, so I couldn’t really move or lift anything or… do anything.”

Manager: “Oh, so you were full of s***!”

Me: “Yeah. But at least I can admit it.”