Funny stories about family

Quack Quack, Gobble Gobble

, , , , , , | Related | May 16, 2021

My wife has the most adorable godson. When he was about four years old, my wife and I took him on a trip to the zoo. We arrived at the “savannah,” a big enclosure with elephants, giraffes, zebras, etc. In addition to the fence, there was a big moat to keep the animals from escaping.

Wife: “Look, [Godson], elephants! Oh, and giraffes! Aren’t they funny with those long necks?”

Godson: *Pointing to the moat* “Look, Auntie, ducks!”

Wife: *Laughing* “Oh, man! If he wanted to see ducks, we could have taken him to the park, instead.”

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Let Me Hamburger Help You With That

, , , , , | Related | May 15, 2021

My mother was old-school; you ate what she served you or you would either sit all night at the table picking at the plate or have it served to you for breakfast the next morning. And no, simply skipping dinner was not an option; you eat it, period!

My most hated meal of hers was liver and onions. The mere scent of it just made me sick to my stomach, and on more than one occasion, I would retch while trying to force it down. One evening, my dear little sister came in from soccer practice to find me at the table, picking at the dish. As she plopped her tired little body on the sofa, I suddenly had an idea.

Me: “[Sister], if I give you my allowance for this week and do all your chores, will you eat this slop?” 

To my surprise, her eyes lit up.

Sister: *Squeaking* “Is that liver and onions? Mmm!”

Then, she proceeded to scarf the plate down like a starved orphan. My mother later entered the kitchen, saw the empty plate in the sink, and immediately began furiously searching the trash can. After coming up empty-handed, she demanded:

Mother: “How did you eat that so fast?!”

Me: *Shrugging* “It wasn’t as bad as I thought, I guess.”

As she walked away with a puzzled look on her face, my sister and I quietly smirked at each other.

Later on, I came home to find my poor sister sitting at the table with tears trickling down her face and taking tiny bites of her meal — Hamburger Helper, which she passionately hates and I love, ironically.

Mother & Father: “Eat!”

They finished their meals and left, leaving my sister alone at the table. She looked at me with those sad puppy dog eyes, and she didn’t have to say a word. I gladly scooted over and feasted.

Sister: “You don’t have to eat all of it if you don’t want to… Are you sure? It’s gross… Okay, wow! Thanks!”

And again, when my parents came back later on, they were flabbergasted to find my sister’s plate cleaned and her skipping away as happy as a spring bunny.

For years, my sister and I had that little deal “under the table” — if one of us hated a meal, the other one of us pretended not to like it either and then later ate REALLY good that night. And most puzzlingly, neither one of our parents ever caught on.

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Soon You’ll Be Groaning Alone

, , , , | Related | May 14, 2021

My brother and I are driving around a run-down plaza parking lot.

Brother: “See that company? They’re always sending me junk mail to give me loans!”

Me: “You should call them and tell them to leave you… alone.”

Brother: “W—”

Me: “Oh, my gosh! I just made an unintentional pun!”

Brother: “That means it’s not funny!”

Me: “No, it’s more funny!”

We argued, but I think I’m right.

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Loose Lips Sink Ships… And Sometimes Give You Mono

, , , , , , , | Related | May 13, 2021

My sister is a freshman living away at college. She has been loving this newfound freedom, and one of her freedoms is “fooling around” with different guys.

My sister comes down with mononucleosis, AKA “the kissing disease”. My mom suspects that my sister has been seeing someone, but she doesn’t have any proof, and my sister certainly isn’t going to volunteer this information. This happens over the phone:

Mom: “How are you feeling?”

Sister: “Not great. The doctor said I have mono.”

Mom: “Really? Oh, no, that’s too bad.”

Sister: “He just told me to take some ibuprofen and rest a lot.”

Mom: “Good advice. Let your professors know you’ll be out.”

Sister: “I will.”

Mom: “So, what was his name?”

Sister: “What? Who?”

Mom: “Who gave it to you? What was his name?”

Sister: “OH, MY GOD! [MY NAME] TOLD YOU?! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!”

Mom: “No, she didn’t tell me anything… but you just did.”

Years later, my sister finds it hilarious that my mom can figure out information like that. My mom thought that was a high point in her mom-sleuthing career.

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Fancy Butcher’s Chicken By The Case, The Meaning Of Expensive Taste

, , , , , | Related | May 12, 2021

When we have Christmas dinner in our household, we have roast chicken and all the trimmings. It’s usually just the local supermarket’s chicken; it’s got a lot of water in it and it’s not the best quality, but it feeds four for cheap with some leftovers for the cat. We also sometimes have roast chicken for Sunday lunch — again, just a cheap supermarket one, without the trimmings.

Regardless of whether we put the chicken on the table or on the side, we have no issues with our cat going for it whilst we are eating. He would never get on the table if we got up and left the chicken unattended. He always waits until his portion is put on the floor. Then, he absolutely devours it. It’s gone within seconds and he’s licking the plate. He likes his chicken, even though it is just cheap stuff.

When our cat was seventeen, he had some arthritis going on and generally disliked jumping. That Christmas, my grandpa bought us a butcher’s chicken. This particular butcher was well known in the area and was pretty expensive, to boot. Mum cooked it and we popped it in the middle of the table and went back to the kitchen to carry the trimmings through.

When we returned to the table, our elderly cat — who hated jumping — was there, head in the chicken, chomping away. We got him away, which was a struggle, and then we had to fight to keep him off the table and remove him from the kitchen counters. It hit a point that, for the first time since we’d gotten this kitty, we had to shut him out of the kitchen and dining room whilst we ate. He still got his chicken after. He also badgered us for more, which did happen usually but not normally with biting involved.

And ever since that chicken, our cat has turned his nose up to the supermarket chicken.

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