The Boobs Of Justice

, , , , | Related | October 27, 2019

(For some reason, my mother-in-law is dead set against me breastfeeding my week-old daughter. We are going to see her 90-year-old mother who is in a nursing home, and she keeps on at me about it all the way there.)

Mother-In-Law: “Mum will tell you the same thing.”

(The new great-grandmother is so happy to hold her new great-granddaughter, but my daughter starts fussing and crying while she’s holding her.)

Grandmother: “Ooh, she’s hungry… Quick, get the boobies out.” 

(I nursed her before handing her back. I got stony silence all the way home.)

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Something Has Changed Within Me

, , , , , | Related | October 26, 2019

(I’m very geeky. My mother and I go to a professional production of one of my favorite musicals. I’m so excited that I almost don’t notice when I lean forward in my seat, mouth the lyrics to most of the songs, and am unable to stop smiling. When the lights come on for intermission, I turn to my mother and see her silently laughing.)

Me: “Are you liking it so far?”

Mom: “I don’t know what’s more entertaining, watching the musical or watching you!”

(Apparently, my theater geek side is more obvious than I thought.)

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Dying To Be Just Okay

, , , , , , | Related | October 25, 2019

(My grandmother’s friends come into the room and sit down next to me.)

Male Friend: “How are you doing, [My Name]?”

Me: “Okay.”

Male Friend: “Just okay? Not fabulous? Not superb? Not fantastic?”

(I turn and look at my grandmother, who is laying in a hospital bed on life support and is predicted to pass sometime in the next 24 hours.)

Me: “Well, maybe if circumstances were different, I’d be more than okay.”

Male Friend: *stiffly* “Well, you should be using other adjectives than ‘okay.’”

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Reached Your Olive Tea Total

, , , , , | Related | October 25, 2019

(I currently live with my mum. She’s bought a tub of dressed olives that she’s eating.)

Mum: “You know, there’s a bit too many in here for me… Do you want some?” 

(She extends the tub in my direction.)

Me: “No, thanks. I don’t like olives.”

Mum: “Oh, okay.” *stands there thinking* “I know. I’ll put the rest in tonight’s tea!”

Me: “I… don’t like olives, Mum.”

Mum: “Yes, chicken and olives. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?”

Me: “No. I don’t like olives.”

Mum: “Okay, dear, I heard you.”

(There were olives in the tea. I was told off for picking them out.)

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He’s Very Aang-ry

, , , , , | Related | October 24, 2019

My dad is in his 60s but has maintained a healthy love of cartoons throughout his life. I, being the doting child I am, have taken it upon myself to keep my dad up to date with the best modern cartoons I can find to keep him from spiraling into a media black hole of Hallmark movies and Fox News.

I visit my dad on Mondays after work and one week decide to show him the first couple episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender over dinner, with the intention of watching several episodes a week until completion.

Best laid plans, I suppose.

Two days later, I get a distressed text from father dearest that read something like this: “I hate you! I have important things to do but I haven’t gotten any of them done because I can’t stop watching Avatar!

He had binged all 61 episodes in two days. I think he liked it.

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