(My sister and mother and I are all watching ‘The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’ in the living room.)
Mom: “That lion is such a good actor!”
Sister: “You do know that the lion is CG, right?”
Mom: “Consul… General?”
(I have terrible vision, and have been considering getting laser surgery for a while.)
Me: “Yeah, I mean I’ll probably get the surgery eventually.”
Mom: *enthusiastically* “That’s a really good idea! When do you think?”
Me: *laughing* “When I can afford it.”
Mom: “You know, your dad and I could help. In fact, we’d probably cover it.”
Me: “Oh, wow, really? Thank you so much!”
Mom: Of course! I’ve been wanting you to get a nose job for years!”
Me: “Hey Mum, I know why you’re so grumpy all the time. This article says that people who sleep on the right side of their partner are more grumpy, and those who sleep on the left are generally more happy.”
Dad: “Sounds about right!”
Mum: “No! I don’t know who sleeps on the left side of our bed. You sleep in the middle!”
Dad: “Just because I like snuggling!”
Mum: “I wish you wouldn’t snuggle. You take up all my space! Stop being so affectionate at night!”
(My dad and I are grabbing a few stocking fillers for my older brother. I show him some lighters. One has a weird leaf pattern that vaguely resembles marijuana.)
Me: “Uh, Dad? Are you sure you want this one? This seems kind of shady.”
Dad: “I don’t care! That stuff should have been legalized years ago!”
Me: “Um, okay.”
Dad: “Seriously. I’ve been around drunk people, and high people. The high ones are way more calm!”
Me: “Why don’t we have conversation later?”
Dad: “I’ll still be right later!”
(My cousin’s daughter is playing with her Disney princess toy set. My adult sister is playing with her. I come and join in.)
Cousin’s Daughter: “It’s time for Cinderella to go to bed!”
(She begins to strip Cinderella of her dress and places her facedown on the bed, naked.)
Me: “Uh…Cinderella can’t sleep like that.”
Cousin’s Daughter: “Why?”
Me: “Well, she’s facedown on the pillow. She won’t be able to breathe.”
Cousin’s Daughter: *ignoring me* “And now Ariel and Jasmine have to find a place to sleep!”
Sister: “But, there’s only one bed! Where will they sleep?”
Cousin’s Daughter: “Together!”
(She proceeds to strip Ariel and Jasmine, and places them on top of each other.)
Me: “Uh…”
Sister: “Is that really an appropriate way for them to sleep?”
Cousin’s Daughter: “Yep!”
Me: *aside to my sister* “I can’t take this. I’m going to lose it.”
Sister: “Don’t you dare leave me alone with her.”
Cousin’s Daughter: *picking up Tiana* “And now, it’s time for Tiana to go to bed! Oh dear, there’s no more room in the house.”
Me: “So, what now?”
Cousin’s Daughter: “Oh, she can sleep outside.”
(My sister and I are both holding back laughter.)
Me: *aside to my sister* “She’s making the black princess sleep outside. On the ground.”
Sister: “She’s four… give her a break.”
(Our cousin, the young girl’s mother comes over.)
Cousin: *to her daughter* “Aw, honey. Are you and your aunties having fun?”
(She notices dolls still in their positions.)
Cousin: “What… what’s going on with your princesses, dear? Why are they all naked?”
Me: *to my sister* “Now’s our chance! Run!”
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