(My mother’s side of the family develops a trait as they age where they all know what they’re talking about without really explaining. I’m starting to develop it.)

Grandma: “Get me the thing.”

Me: “I know what you mean, but where is it?”

Grandma: “Over there.”

(She makes a broad sweeping motion with her arm that covers the entire room.)

Me: “There?” *points to the table*

Grandma: “No. More left-er.”

Me: “I’m terrified, but I actually know where you mean.”*

(I go directly to ‘the thing’, which is a pen, and bring it to her.)

Fiancé: “What was that?!”

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Daughter: “I read this story today, mum.”

Me: “Okay?”

Daughter: “There was a fat lady that got bitten by an Alsatian. But don’t worry—it wasn’t you, mum.”

(I am taking my 3 year old shopping for summer clothes.)

Me: “Alright, son. Pick out a package of underwear. You can have any one you want.”

Son: *picks up a pirate package* “I want these! Then I can be a Butt Pirate!”

(I have been reading a book. My dad has come into the room silently, and when I look up I see him. I am in my twenties.)

Me: “Oh! Where did you come from?”

Dad: “Well, when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much…”

Me: “Why are you here?”

Dad: “Well, that’s a very deep philosophical question…”

(My family and all of my extended family are at our grandparents’ house to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. This is huge because Grandpa has been very ill, and we weren’t sure if he was going to make it. There are about 50 people there, and they have just finished cutting the cake my Aunty made.)

Grandma: “Thank you all so much for coming. We really appreciate it and we are so proud of all of you.”

Grandpa: “Why?”

Grandma: “What?”

Grandpa: “Why are we proud of them? What have they done?”

(Everyone laughs.)

Cousin: “Thanks for being honest, grandpa.”