(My parents are watching a popular crime show on tape and I’m on my laptop with my back to the TV.)

Mom: “Now, your sister warned me that this next part is incredibly gory.”

Dad: “But this is on a family channel. They wouldn’t show it!”

(I hear drilling and squishing noises. Mom and dad are now screaming bloody murder.)

Me: “Not turning around, not turning around, not turning around…”

Dad: *shouting* “Oh my gosh! You have to see this!”

Me: “No, I don’t!”

Mom: “Eww! Eww! Eww!”

(Squishing and drilling noises stop.)

Mom: “Oh God, that was disgusting!”

(Mom and dad are now staring at each other.)

Mom: “Rewind it. I want to see it again!”

Dad: “Me too!”

Me: “Oh, dear lord.”

(My mother is 100 years old, and she still lives on her own. I take her shopping and to her doctor’s appointments. She’s complaining about being a little unsteady on her feet lately.)

Doctor: “Well, you’re doing really well. But you should try using your cane or walker more.”

Mom: “Oh, I use my daughter to hold on to when I’m out. I don’t want to look like an old lady!”

(My sister and I have just made Earl Grey tea. She rarely makes tea, as she just buys it. We have very dark mugs that make it impossible to tell visually whether it’s finished steeping. I have already started drinking my tea.)

Sister: “How do I tell when it’s done?”

Me: “I don’t know…just try it and see if the taste is to your liking.”

Sister: “Well, how can I see that it’s done?”

Me: “You can’t. The mug’s too dark. Just try it.”

(She takes a cautious sip of her tea and stares at it.)

Me: “Well?”

Sister: “It tastes just like hot iced tea!”

(I am in the kitchen with my sister and mother. I have been trying to explain something to my sister who is just not getting it, so I am frustrated.)

Me: *to sister* “For goodness sake! Talking to you is like talking to…” *trying to think of a word* “…cream!”

Mum: “Your sister’s like cream?!”

Me: “Yeah. It’s thick!”

2-year-old daughter: “I am afraid of dinosaurs.”

4-year-old son: “Don’t worry. There are no dinosaurs left. They lived when mommy and daddy got married.”