(I overhear my little brother using the word ‘homo’ as an insult through his headset while playing online videogames.)

Me: “Don’t use ‘homo’ as an insult! It isn’t nice!”

Little brother: “Okay, sorry.”

(He goes back to playing, and gets frustrated a few moments later.)

Little brother: *shouting* “You freaking…heterosexuals!”

(I am on my way to pick up some medicine for my boyfriend on my way to his house. I receive a free pedometer and tote backpack from the pharmacy. My brother meets us there to hang out before he goes back to his army base on Monday.)

Me: “Why did I randomly get a pedometer? I have no use for it, really.”

Brother: “It’s a weapon from the future you. When you are 70, you’ll be a leader of a Pacifist group.”

Me: “Bro, think about that for second. What would a pacifist group want with a weapon, and what kind of weapon would be shaped like a pedometer?”

Brother: “Well, maybe it’s an alternate dimension you and you hid it with yourself for safety so the others can’t use it. It’s nano-tech shaped like a pedometer.”

Me: “Okay, I can buy that.”

(My boyfriend gives us a look and goes back to his phone, shaking his head.)

(I am doing my dorm up with a pirate theme. Knowing how much my sister loves ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’, I decide to ask her what sort of things I should put on the posters I am making. I am thinking along the lines of hats, peg legs, etc.)

Me: *walking out onto the porch* “What do pirates have?”

Sister: *silence*

Me: “Like, what do they possess?”

Sister: “Uh…scurvy?”

(My mom is outside doing yard-work in the nasty humid heat. She wants the rest of the family to come out and help her.)

Dad: “She’s out there in it, so we better be too.”

Me: “So, if Mom jumped off a bridge, we would all have to?”

Dad: “Hey, not if she jumps first!”

(My 12-year-old daughter is asking me questions.)

Daughter: “Mom, what is a pessimist?”

Me: “A pessimist is someone who looks at a glass half-empty while an optimist sees it as half-full.”

Daughter: “But, mom! What if it was filled with poison? Then you’d want the glass to be half-empty!”