(My older sister is graduating from high school soon and is known in our family for being very lazy. She walks in on me eating cereal.)

Sister: “Aw, yeah! We have cereal again? I’m getting me some of that!”

(She goes over to the cereal cabinet, where we keep our bowls, gets a confused look on her face, and walks away. She looks in the sink, where there is a dirty bowl, and ignores it. Finally, she pulls out a tupperware container and happily pours her cereal in.)

Me: “Um…what are you doing?”

Sister: *around a mouthful of cereal* “Practicing for college.”

Dad: *handing me money* “Here’s $30, but it’s only one five. The rest are ones.”

Me: “Make me look like a stripper, why don’t you?”

Mom: “If you’re making that many ones, you’re a bad stripper. Better pursue that graduate degree, hun.”

(My family is watching a cop show on TV. The cop has just been told a crazy story by a suspect.)

Cop on TV: “He has to be telling the truth. His story is too ridiculous to have been made up.”

Dad: “He’s wrong.”

Me: “What?”

Dad: “Not too ridiculous to be made up. Whoever wrote the show made it up!”

(I’m helping my 4-year-old niece practice her reading. After trying a few words, I write my name, Patrick.)

Me: “Okay, guess this.”

Niece: “…Prick!”

(My mom and I are eating hot dogs. My cat comes up to us.)

Cat: “Meow?”

Me: “I’m not giving you my hot dog.”

Cat: “Meow?”

Me: “No, kitty. Just because it’s made of meat doesn’t mean you’re entitled to it.”

Mom: “That’s what he said.”