(My little brother is 17 years old. He’s hugely socially awkward, and terrified of most new people. He’s developmentally challenged and can’t really be left alone. My mother asks me to stop by her place and watch him on a night I have planned to watch movies with my girlfriend, so I just bring her along. My brother picks ‘Sweeney Todd’, a movie where people are killed and turned into pies.)

Brother: *grabbing his ear and rocking back and forth* “You know I read on the internet you can get really sick from eating people, so the police would know they made people pies, wouldn’t they? I don’t like that it doesn’t add up.”

(He stops, and then stares at my girlfriend thinking he’s creeping her out.)

Girlfriend: *smiles* “Oh, do you know what those types of sicknesses are called?”

(He shakes his head, letting go of his ear to look up at her, puzzled.)

Girlfriend: “You know, in a lot of cases, you have to eat a specific people part to get those sicknesses, and it can take five years or more for the signs to show up. Do you remember how this ends?”

Brother: *gleefully and clapping* “IN THE FURNACE!”

Me: “Well, at least he’s not nervous anymore. On a side note, why do you know that?”

Girlfriend: “Well, I remember reading about mad cow variants a few years ago, and I was curious.”

Me: “You and curiosity…”

Brother: “She’s like a kitty!” *pauses* “But let’s hope it doesn’t kill you.”

(She’s the first non-family member my brother has become comfortable with really quickly. She’s a science major and can simplify things easily so my brother LOVES talking to her.)

(My dad talks in his sleep. One day, he falls asleep on the couch.)

Dad: “The spiders are funny.”

Me: “Like, ‘ha-ha’ funny, or ‘weird’ funny?”

Dad: “THE CYBERMEN ATE ALL MY DEAD PEOPLE!”

Me: “Poor dead people.”

Dad: “What about my senior trip? Man the compass!”

Me: “Land off the starboard bow!”

Dad: “Good girl.” *snore*

Step-mom: “And if there was ever any doubt about you two being related, that right there would shut them up.”

(My 9-year-old son earlier in the evening ripped a book out of his 9 year old cousin’s hand, getting himself in trouble. We are on the way home.)

Son: “Mom, I think I will ground myself for being mean today.”

Me: “Okay, for how long?”

Son: “Until tomorrow evening.”

(He has been very serious up to this point, and when we get home, he proceeds to write a note and tapes it to his door.)

Note: “Do not bother me, only when its important. I’m not kidding! P.S. knock on the door if important.”

(After seeing this, I chuckle and go in his room to give him a good night kiss.)

Son: “Mom, you didn’t knock!”

(My cousin and I are playing the alphabet game with animals.)

Me: “Ape”

Cousin: “Blobfish.”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “It’s a fish that lives in the deep.”

Me: “Okay…Camel.”

Cousin: “Dzo.”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “A yak and domestic cattle hybrid.”

Me: “Okay…Elephant.”

Cousin: “Fossa.”

Me: “Gerbil.”

Cousin: “Hutia.”

Me: *blank stare*

Cousin: “A rodent.”

Me: “Alright, I’m done with this game.”

This story is part of our Terrible Cousins roundup!

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(I am talking to my dad about his upcoming 50th birthday as we pick up prescriptions and leave the store.)

Me: “Are you scared about getting older?”

Dad: “Nope.”

Me: “Do you feel like you’re getting older?”

Dad: “Nope.”

Me: “Do you think you’ll ever feel like a forgetful, wrinkly old man?”

Dad: “Nope.”

Cashier: *running out from the store after us* “Sir! You forgot your credit card!”