(I had recently just dropped my phone in the toilet, and put it in a tub of rice to try to dry it out.)
Mom: *joking* “So, are you going to eat that rice after your phone is dry?”
Dad: “I would eat it.”
Me: “Yeah. It might taste a little metallic, though.”
Dad: “Or toilet-y.”
Me: “…I don’t think I’m going to eat the rice.”
Dad: “…yeah, I draw the line at toilet.”
(I’m talking to my grandma on the phone on a Sunday.)
Grandma: “Did your mom go to church this morning?”
Me: “Uhh, I don’t know.”
Grandma: “You don’t know? Why don’t you know?”
Me: “I was asleep.”
Grandma: “So you didn’t go either, that means.”
Me: “Well, no, I… Grandma, did you go to church this morning?”
Grandma: “No, I couldn’t get out of bed. You weren’t supposed to ask me that!”
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(It is my grandmother’s birthday, and my sister is picking me up so we can all go visit her together. My 3-year-old niece is in a car seat in the back.)
Niece: *to me* “Put on your seatbelt!”
Me: “Calm down honey, it’s on.”
Niece: “Good. I have a special one because I’m a little girl, but Daddy says we all have to wear our seatbelts in the car.”
Me: “He’s right! Seatbelts keep you safe.”
Niece: “Especially when Mammy’s driving, because she’s a f***ing maniac!”
(My six-year-old son is listening to the theme from Flash Gordon.)
Son: “Mummy, why is Flash ‘King of the Impossible’?”
Me: “Well, because he does a lot of things that seem impossible, like saving the Earth from—”
Son: “How does he see when he grabs the rope, when he’s buried in quicksand? Now that’s impossible!”
Me: “…I have often wondered that myself. You are a son after my own heart.”
(I am helping my mother prepare vegetables for supper. I decide to use her docking station to play some dub-step music, which can be pretty obnoxious to someone who isn’t into it.)
Mom: *gives me a pleading look*
Me: *sighs* “Okay, fine. I’ll turn it off.”
Mom: “No, no, just maybe turn it down, is all!”
Me: “It is down!”
Mom: “That’s what I used to say to your grandmother when I was a teenager!”
