(I am driving home from the cinema with my 9-year-old son. I get cup up by another driver and in my frustration muttered ‘wanker’ under my breath.)
Son: “What’s a wanker, mum?”
Me: “Um, its a man who plays with his willy.”
Son: “Oh.” *looks contemplative* “But mum, how did you know he was playing with his willy?”
(A man is talking on the phone as he is browsing the store. He picks up several games and reads the titles aloud.)
Customer: “Yes… no… no… no… yes… no… yes… okay, this one.”
(He picks an item and comes up to the counter.)
Customer: “I would like this to be gift-wrapped”.” *to the phone* “Yes.. no..”
Me: “Your wife?”
Customer: “No, my kids. I want to surprise them with a game, and they are sort of picky.”
Me: “Doesn’t that ruin the surprise?”
Customer: “As long as they’re busy, so I can go fishing!”
(My parents are very oblivious to how teenagers work, but since my brother and I are both teens, they’ve been trying to understand.)
Mom: “Can I ask you a question?”
Me: “Okay.”
Mom: “Well, I’ve been watching the television lately, and I’ve noticed that the teenagers on it like to swear. That’s an extreme exaggeration, right? I mean, teenagers don’t really swear, do they?”
Me: “Oh, of course we f***ing don’t.”
Daughter: *in the backseat* “Mommy, I made a boogeyman.”
(I absent-mindedly answer while helping to navigate.)
Me: “Okay, sweetie.”
(A moment passes.)
Me: *turning around to look* “Wait, what do you mean you made a boogeyman?”
Daughter: “I took my boogies, and made a little man. See?” *she holds it up to show me*
(My husband and I start laughing.)
(I babysit a little girl who is very reluctantly undergoing potty-training. This means that she can sometimes spend a lot of time sitting on the potty while we wait. She’s also just learning about knock-knock jokes. Her mother is about to take over and let me go home.)
Daughter: “Knock knock, mommy!”
Mother: “Who’s there?”
Daughter: “Umm…tissue doggy!”
Mother: “Tissue doggy who?
Daughter: “Tissue doggy can you please let me off the potty now?!”
