Pretending To Be Gay Will Not Pay On Vacay

| Boracay, Philippines | Related | January 2, 2012

(I am on vacation with my dad, his partner and my sister. We have just sat down to eat when one of the waiters approaches me.)

Waitress: “My friend thinks you’re good looking. She wants your phone number.”

Me: “Sure it’s-”

Dad: “Don’t bother, love. He’s gay.”

(My dad successfully managed to make sure I didn’t score for the entire trip. For the record I am not gay.)

Best Just To Ask For The (Duck) Bill

| ON, Canada | Related | January 2, 2012

(My family and my friend’s family are eating dinner at a winery. Both my grandmother and I order the duck.)

Dad: “I’m surprised that they gave you two legs of duck.”

Mom: “Well, they do have four.”

Me: “Four what?”

Mom: “Legs.”

Stupid Cupid

| Wheaton, IL, USA | Related | January 1, 2012

(I’m sitting at a table with my grandfather at my cousin’s reception. She is the only granddaughter older than I am. My grandfather is notorious for his attempts to set up my cousin, prior to her engagement.)

(A camera flash goes off in my face.)

Me: “Ah! My eyes! What was that for?”

Grandpa: “For the bowling alley.”

Me: “What?”

Grandpa: “For the personal ad. I’m going to put it up in the bowling alley back home, just like I did with [cousin].”

Me: “Grandpa, really? I’m only 20. I thought you didn’t start this with [cousin] until she was 23?”

Grandpa: “It’s never too early. By the time I was your age, I was married and already had a kid.”

Me: “Come on, Grandpa. I don’t need your help.”

Grandpa: “What’s your phone number, so I can put it with the ad?”

Me: “Grandpa, you live in a retirement community!”

Underworld Overheard

| NY, USA | Related | December 31, 2011

(My sister is a die-hard fan of the movie series ‘Underworld’.)

Mom: “So, anyway, the news headline was–”

(A TV spot for the new Underworld movie comes on for the first time.)

Sister: “Aaaaagh!”

(My parents both jump. My dad clutches his heart, my mom covers her hearing aid.)

Dad: “Wh-wha-what’s going on?! Why’s she screaming?!”

Mom: “I don’t…” *looks at TV* “Oh, for the love of God!”

(My sister continues screaming.)

Mom: “Ow! My hearing aid.”

(The commercial ends.)

Sister: *sighs happily* “Well, that made my day. Oh, yeah, so what were you saying, mom?”

A Crumbling Defense

| NY, USA | Related | December 30, 2011

(My dad and I are having a small argument on who’s more manly.)

Dad: “I’m so much more manly than you, I opened the stupid soda bottle for you.”

Me: “Oh, please. I am so much more manly than–”

(The oven timer dings.)

Me: “Ooh, my cookies are ready!”

(My dad chuckles.)

Me: “Oh shut up, cookies can be manly.”

Dad: “Right.”

Me: “Just for that, you can’t have any.”

(I have a feeling I came out on top in the end.)

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