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Funny stories about family

Someone’s Mind Is Obviously Made Up

| Related | December 23, 2011

(I don’t normally wear makeup. My mom is trying to convince me that I would look nice with a bit of makeup.)

Mom: “You should get some makeup.”

(I stick my tongue out.)

Mom: “That’s lovely.”

Me: “Makeup won’t fix that.”

(My sister walks into the conversation.)

Sister: “Makeup won’t fix what?”

(I stick my tongue out again.)

Sister: “What? Your face?”

Do The Dishes To Get The Dishiest

| Related | December 23, 2011

(A girl I am seeing suddenly breaks off contact with me without a discernible reason. My mom finds out.)

Mom: “If there’s anything I can do to help you get girls, let me know. I am a girl after all, I know what girls like. For one thing, girls don’t like guys with long hair, it doesn’t look good.”

Me: *speechless*

Mom: “Also, you should put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. You’d get a lot more girls if you just weren’t so unattractive and inconsiderate!”

Cause For Pregnant Pause

| Related | December 23, 2011

(My sister, toddler nephew, mother and I are all in a vehicle together. I’m 7 1/2 months pregnant.)

Sister: “Hey, what kind of birth control are you on?”

Me: *blinks* “Pregnancy? You can’t get pregnant if you’re already pregnant.”

Sister: “Wow, I can’t believe I actually asked you that.”

Mean Girls: The Next Generation

| Related | December 22, 2011

(My mother is a teacher. She is substituting for the drama teacher. My worst enemy has drama first period, and then I have choir with her second period.)

Worst Enemy: *to her friend* “Man, that substitute teacher was so mean!”

Me: *leans forward* “Oh, so you’ve met my mom?”

(She never bothered me again.)

Mother Needs To Cat(ch) Up

| Related | December 22, 2011

(We’re sitting in one of the study rooms, drinking tea and watching the garden. We start discussing how to best feed the birds. Note that we own a free-range cat.)

Sister: “We ought to put up a birdhouse.”

Mother: “Too much work. Can’t we just put the seeds on the ground? It’s stone, and doesn’t get wetter than a birdhouse.”

Me: “We can’t. Think of the cat!”

Mother: “Why? The cat won’t eat the birdseed.”

*awkward silence*

(To her credit, my mother got it a couple of seconds later.)