(My wife speaks Tagalog, and so around the house we speak English with a few Tagalog words sprinkled in. The Tagalog word for water is ‘tubig’. My daughter is 2 and is in a rather contrarian phase. At dinner, my wife offers our daughter a sippy cup of water.)

Wife: “Tubig, tubig.”

Daughter: *taking the cup* “No! Too small!”

(My grandma has just watched a movie with me.)

Grandma: “Who acted the lead?”

Me: “It was [lead actress].”

Grandma: “The song at the end is nice, too. Who sang it?”

Me: “It’s [lead actress].”

Grandma: “No, who sang the song?”

Me: “She did both.”

Grandma: “Really? That’s talent!”

Me: “Yes, but she can’t write though.”

Grandma: “And she’s illiterate?”

(I’m playing with Nerf guns with my 8-year-old nephew.)

Nephew: “Shoot me in the butt!”

(He bends over and shakes his butt, so I shoot him.)

Nephew: *shocked and horrified* “YOU SHOT ME IN THE BUTT!”

(My wife wants me to watch a YouTube video, so I follow her into our computer room. She brings along her 1-year-old niece, who is still uncomfortable around me. I sit in the computer chair and search for the video.)

Wife: “Wait, [niece] won’t be able to see.”

Me: “Just put her in my lap. She’ll be fine.”

(The niece is placed in my lap, and we watch the video without any problems.)

Me: “See, [Niece]? I’m not so bad.”

(My niece turns around after hearing my voice. When she sees I’m holding her, her face turns into one of absolute terror.)

(Our Mum’s 50th birthday is coming up, and I approach my 18-year-old brother about ideas for how we can celebrate it. I’m trying to be sneaky in case mum hears.)

Me: “Hey, so I was thinking about next Friday. We could do Karaoke, or maybe go and see a play?”

Brother: “I can’t, I’m busy.”

Me: “What!”

Brother: “Well, sorry. But it’s my Mum’s birthday. I can’t!”