Tea Time Until The End Of Time

| NY, USA | Related | December 30, 2011

(My dad is offering the family tea, and he finally offers tea to my grandma. My grandma has a tendency to go off on long tangents over the simplest things.)

Dad: “Hey grandma, do you want tea?”

Grandma: “Tea?”

Dad: “Yes, tea.”

Grandma: “Oh, tea. I remember when I first had tea, it gave me horrible stomach problems…”

(She proceeds to go on for 20 minutes about tea and coffee, and how each affects her body.)

Grandma: “…and coffee was just as bad…and then, when I was forty…”

Me: “Oh, dear God.”

Dad: *aside to me* “I think I can assume that this entire thing was a ‘no’ from her.”

Don’t Let Grandma Give You A Puck On The Cheeks

| NY, USA | Related | December 30, 2011

(My grandma is incredibly crazy when it comes to hockey. My family is watching the game in the living room when a player on my grandma’s favorite team gets hit.)

Grandma: *gasps* “You can’t shove someone like that! That’s not nice! This is hockey!”

(Everyone rolls their eyes. An hour later, a player on the other team gets hit.)

Grandma: *now blood-thirsty* “Nice hit! He deserved that one!”

(The player gets up.)

Grandma: “Why is he getting up? He shouldn’t be able to get up yet! Why is he getting up?”

(Everyone stares at grandma.)

Grandma: “Oh… uh… I mean…”

(She giggles awkwardly and continues watching quietly.)

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 2

| Queens, NY, USA | Related | December 29, 2011

(Me and my mom are on the porch, saying goodbye to my brother who is leaving for college.)

Me: “I’m going to miss you. Just don’t make me an aunt!”

Brother: “Don’t make me an uncle!”

(My neighbor has been watching us. He looks shocked.)

Mom: *to neighbor, very proudly* “Yup, they’re my kids.”

The Muffin Man And Me(at)

| NY, USA | Related | December 29, 2011

(My sister and I are wreaking havoc at the check-out counter at the local supermarket. The cashier hands my sister a bag of muffins.)

Sister: “Here, take the muffins.”

(I grab the muffins.)

Sister: “Stop being so aggressive! Stop molesting the muffins!”

(The cashier is trying to hold back the giggles and hands my sister a bag of raw meat. I grab the bag of meat out of my sister’s hand.)

Me: “Ah, no! The men carry the meat in this family!”

Sister: “Then give me the darn muffins back!”

Me: “Never!”

Cashier: *now on the verge of tears, speaking very quickly* “Your total is $20.95. Thank you, and have a nice day!”

Sister and me: “Thank you!”

(We happily leave the supermarket.)

Totally Euforic

| NY, USA | Related | December 29, 2011

(I share a bedroom with my sister. We are playing the alphabet game instead of counting sheep.)

Sister: “I’ll go first…Alligator.”

Me: “Banana.”

Sister: “Cookie.”

Me: “Dog.”

Sister: “Euphoria.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

Sister: “Really happy.”

Me: “Oh. What comes after your word?”

Sister: “F.”

Me: “F, huh? Hmm… phone.”

*pause*

Me: “Shut up, I’m tired.”

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