(I am explaining to my 6-year-old brother how our sibling line is.)

Me: “I am the oldest, so I am at the top. You are in the middle, and little sis is at the bottom.”

Brother: *proudly* “And mommy and daddy are outside!”

(My 8-year-old cousin is sitting at the dinner table with us. During a lull in the conversation, she comes out with this gem:)

8-year-old Cousin: “How do blind men pee without getting it all over the seat?”

(My wife is the same biologist from Married To Sheldon Cooper. She is relating a story about work to her sister.)

Wife’s Sister: “Okay, tell your story, but don’t be all scientific. You always do that.”

Wife: “Fine, I’ll keep it to layman’s terms.”

Wife’s Sister: *gesturing animatedly* “See! You’re doing it again!”

Wife: “Huh?”

Wife’s Sister: *to me* “What are ‘layman’s terms’?”

Me: “‘Layman’s terms’ means common English. And those are the five most ironic words I’ve ever uttered.”

(One summer day, my 13-year-old sister wanders into the living room, where I am watching ‘The Patriot’ on TV. She joins me and watches quietly for about ten minutes.)

Sister: “Wait, what war is this?”

Me: “What?”

Sister: “What war is this? Is this the Civil War?”

Me: “It’s the Revolutionary War.”

Sister: “Oh. I thought it was the Civil War. You know, the Blue and the Red?”

Me: “The Civil War was the Blue and the Grey.”

Sister: “Oh.”

(Another few minutes go by.)

Sister: Who did we fight in the Revolutionary War?”

Me: “Um… The British.”

Sister: “Oh.”

(Another few minutes.)

Sister: “Where are the British from? Britland?”

(My family is seeing a local amateur production of ‘Pride and Prejudice’. Having just taken a directing class, I point out a flaw to my brother.)

Me: “The timing is off. There needs to be a second or two cut between the action or the audience is going to lose interest.”

Brother: “This is Georgetown. They probably lost interest the moment a big word was spoken.”