(I am about 9 years old.)
Mom: “Man, I have to lose some weight.”
Me: “No! Because your weight changes depending on gravity. You’d weigh less on the moon than you do on Earth, due to the difference in gravity. You need to lose mass.”
Mom: *pause* “Smart-a**.”
Me: “I want to get bangs again.”
Mom: “No, you look ugly with bangs.”
Me: “But all my friends say I look better with bangs!”
Mom: “Your friends want you to be ugly.”
(My sister is watching women’s football on TV. She’s never watched football before, but is watching it because it’s part of the 2012 London Olympics.)
Sister: “Ooh, she’s good!”
Me: “They’re all good. This is the Olympics.”
Sister: “Yeah, but she’s particularly good.”
Me: “How could you possibly know that?”
Sister: “There’s lots of cheering. She must be!”
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(I am a very clumsy person. I often trip over things, and it’s become a joke how every time I enter a room you hear a ‘thump’, followed by an ‘ow’. I have just come home from my first semester at college, and there are new gates in the kitchen with small rims. In the first two hours I trip over them at least five times.)
Me: *trip* “Ow! I keep tripping over these stupid gates.”
Step-mom: “Oh! That’s what we’ve been missing while she’s at school!”
Dad: “What?”
Step-mom: “The ‘Thump, Ow!’”
Me: “Seriously?”
Dad: “Oh, yeah! You’re right!”
Me: “Whatever. It’s the gate! I’m not used to them!”
Step-mom: “Your baby sister, who can barely walk, gets over them just fine.”
Me: “Well… she’s, uh, used to them?”
Dad: “We just put them up a few days ago.”
Me: “Oh, whatever.”
(A few moments later, I trip over again.)
Step-mom: “Thump!”
Dad: “Ow!”
(I am about 7 years old. I am about to go on my first flight. My grandmother has Alzheimer’s, and often uses the wrong words.)
Grandmother: “And when you go up in the air, your ears will explode.”
(I was absolutely terrified and screamed from Melbourne to Sydney.)
