(My dad calls me while I’m at college to talk, while simultaneously buying our plane tickets to visit my grandmother in Florida.)
Dad: “It’s ridiculous how much information we need to enter just to buy a plane ticket these days!”
Me: “It’s all for security. They want to know who exactly is getting onto these flights.”
Dad: “I know. But, I mean, how am I supposed to know your middle name?”
Me: “You’re the one who named me, dad!”
(My brother has just gotten home from a 5km run near my grandma’s house that the cross country team has dubbed the ‘cupcake run’, because everyone stops at her house afterward for cookies and cupcakes. The race is delayed this year because of severe weather. I also ask him to bring me home extra cupcakes, as I can’t make it.)
Me: “Did Grandma give you extra cupcakes?”
Brother: “Yeah. As she handed me the box, she said ‘Here, you and your sister can make a survival kit. If he’s nice, you can even give your dad some.'”
Me: “So, Grandma’s making apocalypse survival kits now, huh?”
Brother: “Well, yeah. She knows what it takes to survive the apocalypse: love and cupcakes!”
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(I am chuckling while reading the paper. I am reading an article about malapropisms, where people get clichés wrong. Instead of the phrase ‘screaming like a banshee’, they would say ‘running around like a banshee’, or ‘jumping like a banshee’. A banshee is an Irish ghost that’s known for screaming or wailing. As my family is Irish, I figured my mom would know this.)
Me: “Get this. This person used the phrase ‘jumping around like a banshee’.”
Mom: “Well, that’s what they do.”
(I look puzzled.)
Mom: “They jump up and down.”
Me: “Mom, banshees scream.”
Mom: “Right, they scream, and they hop up and down.”
Me: *exasperated* “Mom, do you know what a banshee is?”
Mom: “It’s like a chicken, but smaller!”
(I’m visiting my family for a holiday. The whole family is relaxing on the lounge. My sister is massaging my husband’s head, which is what I’d be doing if I wasn’t playing a computer game with one hand and the other around my husband.)
Sister: “Do you mind if I massage his head?”
Me: “I don’t mind if you do that. I would do that if I had a third hand.”
Sister: “I am your third hand!”
My Husband: “Once removed… on your mother’s side.”
(My mom and I are shopping while on vacation. She sees a ‘Hello Kitty’ dress with the pattern of a flag on it.)
Mom: “Look! It’s Hello Kitty and the USA!”
Me: “That’s not USA.”
Mom: “Yes, it is! It’s red, white, and blue!”
Me: “That’s the Union Jack, mom…”
