(I am 4 years old, and my mum has woken me up around 10pm to tell me my new baby cousin has just been born.)

Mum: “Good news! You have a new baby cousin. It’s a girl, and her name is Fiona Kate.”

(The next morning…)

Mum: “Do you remember me coming and telling you the news last night?”

Me: “Yes, my baby cousin was born.”

Mum: “And do you remember her name?”

Me: “Yes! Banana Cake!”

(I’m 11 years old, and coming home from school. I enter the garden to see my bedroom window—the one above the front door—wide open. Thinking nothing of it, I go to the door and find it locked. I immediately hear some muffled giggling.)

Me: “Hey, is anyone there?”

Dad: “Yeah, give me a minute!”

(All of a sudden, a bucketful of water falls from the window right in front of me. I get only my shoes wet, prompting a loud swear from my dad and his friend, who had been sitting there for twenty minutes. The next day, I meet my dad and his second friend as I’m getting home. As he gets to the door, I’m locking the gate. My Dad finds the door locked, leading to him getting doused in water from
the same window by the friend from the day before.)

Dad: *turning to me* “Not. A. Word.”

(I’m at home with my mom and my younger sister. My sister is in her bedroom with the door locked. Suddenly, my mom and I hear her screaming.)

Sister: “You idiot! I hate you, what a piece of s*** you are! I never should have compromised with you! You told me yesterday was the first time that it happened to you, and you know what? I know you’re lying!”

(We hear a loud bang, so I go check on her. When I enter the room, I see her with her forehead against the computer monitor, while she keeps yelling obscenities.)

Me: “What’s happening? Are you talking to your boyfriend?”

Sister: “No…” *bangs her forehead against the monitor repeatedly*

Me: “Then, why are you yelling?!”

Sister: “The computer keeps freezing!”

(My 12-year-old brother and I are talking about a Nerf gun he wants to get.)

Brother: “So, you can take it apart and put it back together in other forms. Like, this one here is ‘Salt Rifle’ form.”

Me: “Salt Rifle?”

Brother: “Yeah, that’s what it’s called. I don’t know why…”

(I am about 5 years old and have recently started school.)

Me: “There’s a sign in the school toilets that says ‘wash hands after use’.”

(I pronounce ‘use’ the wrong way.)

Mum: “No, in that sentence you would say use.” *pronouncing it the correct way*

Me: “No, Mummy. It’s been a long time since you were at school, and you’re bound to have forgotten some things.”