(My Mom and I have just gotten out of a driving seminar, and she’s quizzing me on what we learned.)

Mom: “So, how are you supposed to hold the wheel?”

Me: “4 and 8. Mom—”

Mom: *interrupting* “And how many passengers are you allowed to have in the car at one time?”

Me: “One until I’m eighteen, after that three until I’m twenty. Mom—”

Mom: “And are you allowed to even answer a phone while driving?”

Me: “No, but Mom—”

Mom: “Stop interrupting me!”

Me: “But you’re not wearing a seatbelt.”

Mom: “Oh.”

(My dad and I are watching TV, when a commercial for ‘Cialis’ (an ED medicine), comes on. I mishear the words, and turn to my dad.)

Me: “I heard that as a reptile dysfunction.”

Dad: *without missing a beat* “Well, maybe he has a problem with his snake.”

(My husband and I are having dinner with my in-laws. Suddenly, my husband brings up the movies I’d rented the night before, but he does it in a semi-hushed, business like tone.)

Husband: “So, I saw you rented Magic Mike last night, too.”

Mother-in-law: “You rented Magic Mike?!”

Me: “Yeah. But I mostly did it to get under his skin.”

Mother-in-law: “We need to watch it.”

Father-in-law: “Wait, is that the one with Matthew McConaughey?”

Me: “Yeah, and Channing Tatum. The one about male strippers.”

Mother-in-law: *pointing to my father-in-law* “You. The kids. Entertain them. In the living room. We’ll hide in the bedroom to watch the movie.”

(I recently went to the zoo with my grade for biology. I’m telling my parents about it as they hadn’t been in about 6 years.)

Me: “And they had these dinosaurs all over the zoo!”

(I proceed to show my sister and parents the photo of one of them.)

Me: “They move as well!”

Mom: “Aren’t they supposed to?”

Me: “Sometimes, they just have figures, but these ones move.”

Mom: “But all animals move!”

Me: “Yes, but dinosaurs don’t because they’re dead.”

Mom: “They’re not alive?”

Me: “They died millions of years ago, before humans even existed.”

Mom: “No they didn’t. They’re animals!”

Me: “Yes they did. They are animals, but dead ones.”

Mom: “Well then, what’s the point of having them at the zoo?”

(I have to say, that is a fair point.)

(I am about ten years old. Our family has just moved and we were getting all-new furniture.)

Dad: “Son, what kind of bed do you want for your the new house?”

Me: “I want a race car!”

Step-mom: “A race car bed? If you ever brought a girl to your room, she’d be laughing her a** off. What would you do then?”

Me: “Take her for a ride?”

(My dad almost fell off the sofa laughing, though at the time I had no idea why!)