(I’m watching TV with my mom in her room.)

Mom: *turns to me* “I need to tell you something.”

Me: “What’s up?”

Mom: “It’s about your real parents. They’re international supermodels. And they wanted you to have a normal life, instead of going from country to country and never staying in one place long enough to make friends. So your dad and I adopted you so you could grow up like a normal girl.”

Me: *knowing she’s joking* “Wow, Mom, that’s great. Thank you, you know, for doing that and for letting me have a normal life. I really appreciate it.”

Mom: “Yeah… and they kept the pretty twin.”

(I am about 12. I am the youngest girl of 4 children. I shared a room with my middle sister who is 4 years older than me, until my oldest sister moved out. My middle sister is ranting at my parents about how spoiled I am.)

Sister: “And if that wasn’t enough, she got her own room when she was 11! I had to wait until 15!”

Me: “Who am I supposed to share with? There’s no one left!”

(She was silenced.)

(My younger cousin and I are sitting in the living room. I’m about twelve, and he’s about five.)

Me: “So, sweetie, how are you liking kindergarten?”

Cousin: “It’s great! I’m making lots of friends!”

Me: “Got any girlfriends?”

Cousin: *heavy sigh* “Well, I used to have a girlfriend, but then I had too much fun with another girl, and she broke up with me.”

(My mom and I are taking a walk and pass a neighbor’s house.)

Mom: “Oh! I like her bread!”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “Grass. I like her grass. How in the world did I get to bread?”

Me: “Because her grass looks like wheat, which is used in making bread?”

Mom: “Yes. That’s exactly the path. That’s scary.”

(I am about six years old. My adoptive father is very taciturn, with possibly the world’s best deadpan face.)

Me: *loudly to everyone at dinner* “Are babies really brought by storks?”

Dad: “Sometimes. You were brought here by a turkey vulture.”

Me: *sulks*

(To this day, I still tell my husband that I was brought to my family by turkey vultures.)