A Real Chirp On Your Shoulder

| Related | January 3, 2012

(It’s my day off and I’m during the day it’s usually just my grandparents home. They’re watching a movie. We have lots of pets, four of them are parrots. One of them likes to join conversations.)

Grandpa: “What just happened?”

Grandma: “He just when shoot dah guy!”

Parrot: “Huh?”

Grandma: *shouting* “I said he just when shoot dah guy!”

Grandpa: “I heard you dah first time!”

Parrot: “What?”

Grandpa: “I said I already heard you!”

Grandma: “Why are you yelling at me? I’m not deaf!”

Parrot: “Why?”

(From here it dissolves to bickering, meanwhile all four parrots start laughing. Best day off ever.)

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Blood Is Thicker Than Honesty

| Related | January 2, 2012

(My mom and I walk into a store together, talking to each other. We look very much alike. A woman is by the entrance and this is our encounter with her.)

Woman: “My! Are you two related?!”

(My mom and I look at each other and laugh.)

Mom: “No! We just met right outside the store!”

Me: “You don’t really think we look related, do you?”

Woman: “That’s so funny! You look so much alike! Now that I’ve had more time, I can see that you’re not related though.”

Mom: “How can you tell?”

Woman: “Well, she’s taller than you, your hair is darker, and your features are different. Anyway, I better get back to shopping!”

(We are browsing racks when I find a top I like.)

Me: “Mom! Look at this!”

Mom: “I like it!”

Woman: *from other side of store* “I knew it! You lying liars of lies for lying!”

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Pretending To Be Gay Will Not Pay On Vacay

| Related | January 2, 2012

(I am on vacation with my dad, his partner and my sister. We have just sat down to eat when one of the waiters approaches me.)

Waitress: “My friend thinks you’re good looking. She wants your phone number.”

Me: “Sure it’s-”

Dad: “Don’t bother, love. He’s gay.”

(My dad successfully managed to make sure I didn’t score for the entire trip. For the record I am not gay.)

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Best Just To Ask For The (Duck) Bill

| Related | January 2, 2012

(My family and my friend’s family are eating dinner at a winery. Both my grandmother and I order the duck.)

Dad: “I’m surprised that they gave you two legs of duck.”

Mom: “Well, they do have four.”

Me: “Four what?”

Mom: “Legs.”

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Stupid Cupid

| Related | January 1, 2012

(I’m sitting at a table with my grandfather at my cousin’s reception. She is the only granddaughter older than I am. My grandfather is notorious for his attempts to set up my cousin, prior to her engagement.)

(A camera flash goes off in my face.)

Me: “Ah! My eyes! What was that for?”

Grandpa: “For the bowling alley.”

Me: “What?”

Grandpa: “For the personal ad. I’m going to put it up in the bowling alley back home, just like I did with [cousin].”

Me: “Grandpa, really? I’m only 20. I thought you didn’t start this with [cousin] until she was 23?”

Grandpa: “It’s never too early. By the time I was your age, I was married and already had a kid.”

Me: “Come on, Grandpa. I don’t need your help.”

Grandpa: “What’s your phone number, so I can put it with the ad?”

Me: “Grandpa, you live in a retirement community!”

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