(Me, my mom, and my dad are all sitting at the table for dinner. Our table is situated so that I am in a corner, and can only get out if my dad moves his chair out of the way. My mom sits across from him.)

Me: “May I please be excused?”

Dad: “Go ahead.”

(Mom simultaneously shakes her head.)

Dad: “Wait, no, I’ve been overruled.”

Me: “Come on, dad. Be a man!”

Mom: “Eat more.”

Me: “That wasn’t quite generic enough.”

Mom: “Eat more.”

Me: *eats a single green bean* “There. I have officially eaten more.”

Mom: “…go ahead.”

(In Australia, before you get a full driver’s licence, you spend a couple of years on a provisional licence. I’ve had mine for a month or two. My dad has said I’ve finally become useful. I’m at home and have just gotten a string of texts from him that don’t make sense. I call him.)

Me: “So, why do I have to come to the city?”

Dad: “Mum’s pissed.”

Me: “What? I haven’t done anything!”

Dad: “No! She’s ‘pissed’.”

(At this point my brother walks in, so I put the phone on speaker.)

Dad: “She had her office Christmas party today, and she’s drunk.”

Me: “Oh. Pissed!” *laughing*

Brother: *between giggles* “You thought you were in trouble!”

(I had to catch a bus into town to drive her home.)

(My wisdom teeth are coming out.)

Me: “My jaw is really sore.”

Sister: “Well, maybe it wouldn’t be if you gave it a rest once in a while.”

Me: “Does that explain why you’re always butt-hurt?”

(In the show ‘How I Met Your Mother’, smoking marijuana is often referred to as ‘eating sandwiches’.)

Brother: “Admit it. You only took the job at [sandwich shop] because when they said you get a free sandwich every shift, you thought they meant How I Met Your Mother-style sandwiches.”

Me: “Maybe. Hehe. I’m eating a sandwich.”

Brother: “At work, too. Tsk tsk.”

Me: “Everyone does it. My boss eats sandwiches in the store.”

Brother: “Unbelievable.”

Me: “He’s setting a terrible example. His wife does it too. I’ve even seen his kids eat sandwiches.”

Brother: “That’s just sad. Honestly, I’m surprised you don’t just go the whole hog and start selling sandwiches in the store.”

Me: “We do. We’re actually a sandwich shop. Disguised as a sandwich shop.”

Brother: “Whoa. You might have to slow down there. I’m pretty baked!”

(Turns out he didn’t even realise the pun he’d made.)

(My church hosts a monthly charity breakfast, and my sister has brought her new boyfriend to it. He’s meeting several other members of the congregation. Both my sister and her boyfriend work at Walmart.)

Church member: “So, where’d you find him?”

Sister: “We actually work together.”

Me: “See! Walmart really does have everything!”