Flipping Off

| Chicago, IL, USA | Related | February 13, 2012

(My mom is a Filipino immigrant, and she uses that as an excuse either to get slang horribly wrong, or to make up her own.)

Mom: “Oh, did I tell you? I finger a lady yesterday!”

Me: “Say that again?”

Mom: “I finger a lady yesterday! I was driving to work and this lady cut me off in traffic, so I showed her my middle finger. I finger her!”

Me: “Yeah, can you find any other way to say that? At all? Ever?”

Keeps Out Mr. Freeze

| VIC, Australia | Related | February 13, 2012

(My husband is explaining to our 8-year-old son about the insulation we recently had installed. After explaining that the batts in the roof keep the house cooler in summer and warmer in winter, we hear our son explaining this to his friend. He comes in shortly after with a question.)

Son: “Dad, what do the bats in our roof eat and drink to stay alive?”

Eggs-pert Babysitter

| USA | Related | February 13, 2012

(I’m watching my 3-year-old niece, when my 11-year-old brother comes into the room.)

Brother: “I’m watching niece today!”

Me: “Nope.”

Brother: “Uh huh! Sis said so.”

(I know it’s not true, but decide he’ll lose interest quicker if he gets his way.)

Me: “Fine, she needs breakfast.”

Brother: “You can have whatever you want.”

Brother: “Okay. What are pokey eggs?”

Niece: “They are pokey eggs.”

Brother: “Right. But what makes them pokey?”

Niece: “They are pokey.”

Brother: “Do you mean scrambled?”

Niece: “Not scrambled! Pokey!”

Brother: “What are pokey eggs?!”

Niece: “Pokey. Eggs. Are. Pokey. Eggs.”

(I would have let this go on much longer, but my niece is on the verge of tears.)

Me: “Fry and egg sunny-side up, and leave it a little soft so she can poke it with her toast.”

Brother: “That’s it?” *to niece* “Why didn’t you just tell me that?”

Niece: “I’ve been telling you that!”

Just Be Square With Dad, Part 2

| NY, USA | Related | February 13, 2012

(My dad and I are playing a co-op shooter.)

Me: “Okay, so the training exercise says that you need to lift me up to that platform.”

(Dad’s character is spinning in circles.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Dad: “Trying to move forward.”

Me: “That’s the right analog stick. Use the left.”

Dad: “Analog?”

Me: “The round stick thingy!”

Dad: “Oh!”

(His character steps forward, and starts running into the wall.)

Me: “Oh dear God, just stop. Hit triangle to perform the group action and lift me up.”

(Dad is still fumbling with the buttons, and is hitting every button except triangle. The character is now jumping, spinning in circles, running into walls, throwing grenades and punching the air.)

Me: “Dad! Stop for a second!”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “Look at the remote and hit the button with the triangle.”

Dad: “Triangle?”

Me: “Yes, the pretty green colored triangle.”

Dad: “Ooh, found it!” *hits triangle*

Me: *shouting* “Wait! You have to aim first!”

(Dad’s character throws my character against the wall. Half an hour later, we get past the tutorial and begin the first level.)

Game character: “Okay, keep an eye out for any hostiles.”

Dad: *shouting* “I see one!”

(Dad proceeds to start shooting me.)

Me: “Dude! Stop stop!”

Dad: “Why aren’t you helping me kill this guy?”

Me: “You’re shooting me, you moron!”

Dad: “Oh… oopsie.”

(My health is now incredibly low.)

Me: “Okay, make your character hand me a med-kit.”

Dad: “Uh…” *proceeds to start hitting random buttons*

(Dad’s character is now giving me all his guns and ammo.)

Me: “The. Med. Kit!”

Dad: “Oh, wait, is this it?” *hits grenade button*

Me: “That’s the grenade button!”

(Our character’s both die in the explosion.)

Dad: “…Oopsie.”

 

Sins Of The Father

| MI, USA | Related | February 12, 2012

(My brother brings his girlfriend home for the first time to meet our parents. We are all sitting in the living room, watching television. A scene involving the characters becoming intimate comes on.)

Dad: “I can do that.”

Mom: *scoffs* “No, you can’t.”

Dad: *turns to us, completely poker-faced* “Your mom doesn’t know what I can do, because she’s a real sound sleeper.”

(My brother’s girlfriend just looks at me.)

Me: “Yes, he’s always like that.”

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