(My dad calls on the phone, about the same time he usually gets home from work.)

Dad: “Hey, wanna hear a joke?”

Me: “Umm, sure?”

Dad: “Okay. A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Only there’s no rabbi and no priest, and it’s not a bar, it’s a KFC. And the minister is me and I’m not a minister.”

*long pause*

Dad: “Are you hungry?”

(He brought home KFC.)

(My brother and I are eating dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. My brother studies palaeontology as a hobby.)

Brother: “These don’t even make any sense. There’s more time separating Stegosaurus and T. Rex than there is separating T. Rex and humans.”

Me: “Dude, shut up and eat your chicken nuggets.”

Brother: *picking up a T. Rex nugget* “Rawr! I’m an anachronism!”

(I am 8 years old. My mum has just called from the hospital to announce the birth of my brother. I really wanted a sister.)

Me: *sobbing* “Can’t he just have a sex-change operation?!”

Me: “From what I’ve seen on Tumblr, when Asian people see how white people cook rice, they’re always shocked.”

Sister: “They also have rice cookers.”

Mom: “We’re not getting an appliance that only does one thing.”

Sister: “We have a toaster, don’t we?”

(The entire family are in the family room when the doorbell rings. Mom answers the door, to a well-dressed woman outside.)

Woman: “Hi! I’m Alison! I’m the real estate agent for the people who just bought your neighbors’ house.”

Mom: “Nice to meet you.”

Woman: “You see your neighbors’ filed for water damage before—”

(I walk past the open door on my way to the kitchen.)

Woman: “—oh! You have a teenage daughter! My client has two teenage sons! This is just perfect for them!”