A Second On The Hips, A Lifetime On Your Lips

| Related | January 8, 2012

(My mom takes both my friend and I home from school sometimes. Today she is on the phone with my grandma, talking about the staff at the nursing home. My mom’s speakerphone is on.)

Mom: “Oh, you mean [name]?”

Grandma: “Yes, her. She’s the really tall one with the huge hips that look like they don’t belong to her.”

Mom: “Mom, you’re on speakerphone, and there’s two teenage boys in the car listening.”

Grandma: “Yes, she’s very…nice.”

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Spilling The Truth

| Related | January 7, 2012

Sister: “We need to give the cat a bath.”

Her husband: “Why?”

Sister: “Because, she’s all sticky! How’d she get so sticky?”

Her husband: “I think one of us spilled soda on the cat.”

Sister: “One of us?”

Her husband: *long pause*I spilled soda on the cat.”

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He’s At That (Orphan)Age

| Related | January 6, 2012

(My brother is about 4 years old. He runs off, so my mother and I are looking for him. I find him at the registers, where one of the cashiers is talking to him.)

Cashier: “Where is your mommy and daddy, sweetie?”

Little brother: *looking very sad* “I don’t have a mommy or daddy. I am all alone in this world.”

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Left Hand Doesn’t Know What The Right Hand Is Doing

| Related | January 6, 2012

(I’m feeling a bit left out. I don’t think my 2-year old toddler takes after me at all, but he does take after his father. My son is playing with a dinosaur toy, and deliberately makes the dinosaur bite his own hand. He then says ‘Ow!’, reacting very surprised that it hurt.)

Me: “Right. That’s how he takes after me.”

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Trying To Rear-End The Discussion

| Related | January 6, 2012

(My dad has a little mini flashlight on his keys. He hangs his keys off his belt loop on the right side of his pants. The flashlight starts blinking.)

Me: “Dad, your flashlight is blinking.”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “Your right butt cheek is flashing.”

Dad: *checks* “Oh, wow. That’s so weird. I think it’s because my keys keep hitting it.”

Me: “Oh, I thought that meant you were making a right turn.”

Dad: “Oh, shut up.”

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