(I am driving with my five-year-old grandson. We pass a cemetery.)
Grandson: “Oh! A graveyard!”
(I attempt the old groaner kiddie joke about ‘dying to get in’.)
Grandson: “Do you know why they put fences around graveyards?”
Grandson: “Zombies!”
(During a family get together, my grandmother flips someone off with a smile on her face.)
Mother: “What was that for?”
Grandmother: “Just saying hello.”
(My entire family then explains what that means, and a variety of other insulting hand symbols.)
Grandmother: “So, all those people who did that in the car weren’t saying hello?”
(My dad and I are discussing the movie ‘Hotel Transylvania’.)
Me: “It was really nice, because it was about a father-daughter relationship. You see a lot of father-son, or mother-daughter. But not really father-daughter. And you never see mother-son movies.”
Dad: “Well… there’s Psycho.”
Mom: “Hey, can you run a little errand for me?”
Me: “Sure.”
Mom: “Okay, here’s the list.”
(I go to the supermarket to buy the things that are listed. One item on the list is ‘chicken thai’. I chalk it up as awkward wording and go to the frozen foods section. Over there, I pick up a few prepackaged meals that claim to be ‘Thai Cuisine’ and contain chicken.)
Me: “Okay, I’m back.”
(I hand the groceries over to my mom, and she goes through them to make sure I got everything.)
Mom: *picks up frozen meal* “What’s this?”
Me: “It’s some Thai chicken thing.”
Mom: “Why would you get that?”
Me: “It was on the list.” *points to item on list*
Mom: “No! I need chicken thighs!”
Me: “No, what you need is a dictionary.”
(It’s my little sister’s birthday, and I’m calling to wish her happy birthday. My twin sister has recently given birth to her first child.)
Sister: “It’s so weird that [twin sister] is a mom.”
Me: “Yup.”
Sister: “Well, [twin] is a mom… why aren’t you a mom?”
Me: “Just because we’re twins doesn’t mean we have to do the same things all the time. Besides, there’s kids in South America who’ve had kids at your age. Why aren’t you a mom?”
Sister: “Because I’m religious!”
