(My mom has just had major abdominal surgery, but has never been one to complain. She’s bending over, getting dishes to set the table; my sisters and I are sitting around watching TV.)
Mom: “Ow!”
Dad: “Girls! Help your mother! She shouldn’t be doing all this alone; it’s hurting her.”
Mom: “It’s okay, dear. A little pain never hurt anyone.”
Sister: “Actually, I think that’s pretty much the definition of pain!”
(I work at a tech support call-center.)
Caller: “Can I ask you a strange question?”
Me: “That’s what we’re here for.”
Caller: “Is it possible that websites show up in the browser’s history, without anyone visiting them?”
Me: “Not generally, no.”
Caller: “Okay, hold on.”
(I then hear him in the background.)
Caller: “Boys, this gentleman says that this is not possible.”
(My dad has begrudgingly approved of my relationship with my boyfriend. At the family dinner, I am explaining to my parents why I didn’t come home the night before. My little brother is listening in.)
Me: “Well, the snow was really bad and I was exhausted. [Boyfriend] said I should just stay the night.”
Dad: “Hmm, alright. You shouldn’t be hanging out with him if you’re that tired during the day.”
Me: “I’ll try not to make it a habit.”
Brother: “So… you spent the night at his place?”
Me: “Yes, I did.”
Brother: “In the same bed?”
Me: “Yes, I did.”
(My brother looks serious.)
Brother: “Okay, but make sure you don’t sleep to close to him.”
Me: “Why’s that?”
Brother: “If you sleep to close to him, you’ll get pregnant!”
Me: “I… what? What do you mean?”
Brother: “In class, we saw this video. The boy and girl slept in the same bed, and they got too close, and then she was pregnant!”
Me: “That’s not quite how it—”
(My dad gives me a look.)
Me: “Okay, I promise I won’t sleep to close to him next time.”
(My little brother looks proud of himself.)
Brother: “Good.”
(He continues eating dinner.)
(I am a cashier. A mother and young son come to my register with a cart full of Easter related items.)
Me: “Hi, how are you all doing today? Are you ready for Easter?”
Mother: “Yeah, just about. [Son], do you think we’re ready for Easter?”
Son: “Yes. The Easter Bunny knows I like dinosaurs.”
Me: “That’s probably because the Easter Bunny and Santa are good friends. Santa probably told him.”
Son: “No, the Easter Bunny is bigger than Santa.”
(My friend has recently come out as a lesbian to her friends, and is ready to come out to her family. She has decided to tell her parents in their living room.)
Friend: “So… I’m gay.”
(There’s a long pause, until finally her dad reaches out and pats the back of her hand.)
Dad: “That’s okay, honey; I get it. I like them, too.”
