A Boy To Do A Man’s Job

| Related | March 16, 2012

(My four-year-old nephew is sleeping over. I’ve bought him a new toy, batteries not included. I take out the screwdriver set in order to place the batteries into the toy.)

Nephew: “You cannot do that. That is for daddies.”

Me: “I’m sorry, there isn’t a daddy here. I could call grandpa or your daddy, but then you can’t play with your toy until then. And maybe they don’t have time.”

Nephew: *after thinking it over for a while* “Okay, but I hold this.”

(He clutches the holder for the screwdrivers. I start opening the compartment to place the batteries.)

Nephew: “You don’t have a daddy here.”

Me: “No. My daddy is granddad and he is at his own home with grandma.”

Nephew: “I have a daddy.”

Me: “Yes, you do.”

(I am kindly allowed to do the necessary work and place the batteries while he is watching closely. I even am allowed to place the screwdriver back in the holder he was still clutching. But after closing the holder, he reserves the right to carefully put it back into its place!)

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An Emo-phant Never Forgets

| Related | March 15, 2012

(I am making up a silly story for my 5-year-old daughter about her imaginary pet baby elephants, and how they’d had a party the night before. We are having great fun, until she changes the tone.)

Daughter: “But something really sad happened. A grown-up elephant sat on one of the baby elephants and it died. The doctors tried to save it, but it was too late.”

(While I’m still in shock at this, she wanders over to the window. Outside, by the chopping block, there is a weird-shaped hunk of wood surrounded by numerous chopped-up bits of wood.)

Daughter: “See that? That’s the elephant’s body. His bones are all over the yard.”

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Playing With Fire

| Related | March 15, 2012

(My stepmom is on the phone, and I can’t get her attention to tell her the pan is on fire. I have also just been told not to talk so loudly so I’ve been speaking in monotone.)

Me: “Mom.”

Mom: *on the phone* “…no she’s doing fine…”

Me: “Mom.”

Mom: *on the phone* “…she’ll be walking soon…”

Me: “Mom.”

Mom: *into the phone* “Just a second…” *to me* “I’m on the phone.”

Me: *points calmly behind her* “Fire.”

Mom: *screams*

(To this day, if a family member needs her attention, they say ‘fire’ in monotone.)

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If You Don’t Understand, Then Sleep On It

| Related | March 15, 2012

(It is 2 am. My brother and I are watching a movie. He has passed out in the middle of it.)

Me: “[Brother] wake up. Go get in your bed.”

Brother: *abruptly standing straight up* “It’s okay. I already have all my information.”

Me: “Huh?”

Brother: “I have a pet taxi named Jorge and he’s blue like a banana.”

Me: “Um, that’s nice. Come with me.”

(I attempt to lead him to his room.)

Brother: “Are you taking me to meet my pet monkey named Luke Skywalker?”

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Home Is Where The Heart Is, But Not The Brain

| Related | March 15, 2012

(My parents have just come home from work, and I needed to talk to my mom. I’ve also just gotten back from a 5 day trip with school. My dad walks into the room.)

Me: “Are you home yet?

Dad: *sarcastically* “No, I’m not.”

Me: *realizing what I had just said* “I meant to ask if mom is here!”

Dad: “Haha.”

(Mom walks in.)

Me: *to my mom* “Are you back from work?”

Dad: “Did you seriously just ask that again?”

Me: “I’m tired! Give me a break!”

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