(Several decades ago, I got my behind kicked in an after school fight. I am a petite female, who was 12 years old at the time.)
Mom: “Remember when you got in that fight? [Mom’s friend] said she was driving past, and saw you running across a parking lot being chased by a mob of children.”
Me: “Why didn’t she pick me up?”
(My sister suffers from exercise-induced anaphylaxis. It is a relatively rare condition that can cause her to break out in massive, full-body rashes if she physically exerts herself too much. A number of distant relatives have come to visit for Easter. Many of them don’t really know us ‘kids’ very well, and thus don’t know all of our peculiarities. This includes my sister’s condition. I’m washing the dishes we used during dinner, and my sister is keeping me company when our aunt comes in.)
Aunt: “[Sister], help your sister with the dishes.”
Me: “Oh, it’s no problem; I’ve got them.”
Aunt: “No! [Sister] has to do something as well.”
Me: “Auntie, no offense to you or [Sister], but I’d really rather she doesn’t. I’m a professional chef, and I can get kitchen work done quicker and easier without anyone else crowding me at the counter.”
Aunt: “Then one of you wash, and one of you dry.”
Me: “There’s a lot of dishes. The workload from a party this size could cause problems with her anaphylaxis.”
Aunt: “Pfft, she’s just lazy. That’s why she’s getting fat while you’re in such good shape. You girls used to both be so pretty.”
(My sister is sensitive about her weight, and runs from the kitchen holding back tears.)
Me: “God-d*** it Auntie! She’s not lazy; she has a rare condition which among other symptoms, could prove lethal if she exerts herself too much. [Sister] exercises regularly, and it’s a struggle, but she and I do our best to work out as much as possible without pushing her too far.”
Aunt: “But—”
Me: “No, no buts! She’s my sister, and I’m not going to put up with anyone insulting her, even family! I am not going to force her to do work that could cause her to break out in rashes, or worse, die. Now get out of my kitchen!”
(My aunt flees faster than I’ve ever seen her move. I’m able to quickly finish my work, and then go find my sister to soothe her emotions.)
This story is part of our Sisters’ Day roundup!
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Read the Sisters’ Day roundup!
(A chain ice-cream restaurant has recently opened up close to home. My five-year-old brother and I have always wanted to eat there because of the ice cream. Our parents don’t want to because the hot food they serve is frankly terrible. I am eight years old.)
Dad: “You don’t want to eat at [ice-cream restaurant].”
Brother: “Yes, we do!”
Dad: “Well, you know what they make the burgers out of, right?”
Me: “No…”
Dad: “What’s ice cream made of?”
Brother: “Milk?”
Dad: “That’s right! And cats really like milk, so they must really like ice cream.”
Me: “Yeah…”
Dad: “So, there should be a lot of cats hanging out in the parking lot, right?”
Brother: “Yeah…”
Dad: “Have you ever seen a cat in the parking lot [ice cream restaurant]?”
(My brother and I shake our heads in growing horror.)
Dad: “Why do you think that is? Well, let’s go out to dinner!”
Brother: “No! We don’t want to eat there anymore!”
(My mum, twin, older sister, and I, are having a group chat online.)
Twin: “Best Arrow quote ever: ‘I’m taking a plane to Central City. I should be there in a flash‘.”
Me: “Brilliant!”
Twin: “I would’ve suggested Metropolis; I hear the airport is super.”
Me: “You could go to Gotham, but everyone there is a bit batty.”
Twin: “I heard the planes to Fawcett City are a real marvel.”
Me: “Well, the planes to Coast City aren’t the best, they’re only lit by lanterns.”
Twin: “I think my trip to Codsville is doomed. I was going to go to Midway city instead, but I hear it’s Caulder than I’m used to.”
Me: “I hear that you shouldn’t go to Midway city; apparently they were doomed, too.”
Mum: “Enough is enough!”
Me: “I was just going to point out that another really super place to live would be Smallville.”
Mum: “Such disobedient children…”
Me: “I think you mean such geeky children.”
Mum: “All three of you are! At least your older sister isn’t doing this.”
Twin: “I’ve got to go to bed now, judging from the dark looks. Good knight!”
Mum: “At last!”
Older Sister: “Sorry Mum, that you let your (as)guard down. I know you Thor-ght I was normal. It’s alright; maybe we’ll avengerly grow out of it.”
(My family and I are sitting down for dinner and my dad hands out forks and spoons to everyone. Admittedly, the spoons he gives us are relatively large.)
Mom: “Honey, this spoon is not appropriate for soup!”
Dad: “How so?”
Me: “Yeah, I’m fine with it.”
Mom: “Maybe you are, but I’d like something that’s appropriate for the size of my mouth, thank you.”
Dad: “Fine.”
(My dad takes my mom’s spoon and leaves the dining room.)
Mom: “Honestly, your father sometimes!”
Me: “It’s just a spoon.”
Mom: “I know, but—”
(Dad comes back and hands Mom a shovel.)
Dad: “Here you go. Is this the right size for your mouth?”
