(My four-year-old brother stops me in the hallway.)

Brother: “If breasts get too big, can they explode?”

Me: “Uh… well, I sure hope not!”

(My husband and I are atheists, but are trying to raise our five-year-old son without too much bias on the subject. We drive by a church.)

Son: “Why is there a church there?”

Me: “Well, so people can go and worship God.”

Son: “Why do they need a building for that?”

Me: “Um… so they can find other people to talk about God with.”

Son: “Okay, do you believe in God?”

Me: “Um… not particularly. Do you?”

Son: “I think that God could be real, yes.”

Me: “Okay then.”

Son: “But what is God? Who is he?”

Me: “He’s the guy people think made the world… and everything.”

Son: “But, gravity made the world. It pulled all the bits of rock and stuff together, and made the planets.”

Me: “Hmmm…”

(We stay silent, trying not to tell him what to think.)

Son: “Mommy? I don’t believe in God anymore.”

(My parents and brother, who is eight years old, are traveling in France and stop for dinner. The waiter is obviously not happy to have a little kid in his restaurant.)

Waiter: “I’m sorry, but we do not have a menu for our younger customers here.”

Brother: “That’s okay. Can I have a small salad and escargot, please?”

(The waiter takes the orders, and brings out the food. At the end, he comes back to the table to clear the plates.)

Waiter: “And how did you like the snails, sir?”

Brother: “I’ve had better.”

(I am American and speak English with my nine-year-old daughter. She has asked me to teach her the Star Spangled Banner.)

Me: *singing* “What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming.”

Daughter: “This is really hard. I don’t understand what half of the words mean!”

Me: “Do you know what ‘twilight’ means?”

Daughter: “Vampires?”

(My sister is looking at her supplemental health plan online.)

Sister: “Huh, it says psychotherapy is fully covered, but dental isn’t covered at all.”

Dad: “Well, tell them your dental health is due to your psychological health. Tell them you’ve started chewing on rugs, and it f***** up your teeth!”