(A mother comes in with her two children: a little girl and an older boy.)

Mom: “Do you sell lip balm?”

Me: “Of course! It’s $3. Was there anything else you’d like me to get?”

Little Girl: “You’re buying lip balm? I WANT LIP BALM! I WANT IT!”

(The little girl starts screaming and demanding her mother buy her a lip balm.)

Mom: “You can share with mommy and your brother!”

Older Boy: “I don’t want to share with her! She eats lip balm!”

Little Girl: “I WANT MY OWN LIP BALM!”

(The little girl starts screeching, and punches her mother in the stomach.)

Mom: “Don’t you want to share? Sharing is fun!”

Little Girl: “I HATE YOU! I WANT MY OWN!”

(The mother turns to me, exasperated.)

Mom: “Can you just pretend to ring me up for two?”

Me: “Suuuuuuuure.”

Older Boy: “Her face is covered in barf; I don’t want to share!”

(Upon closer inspection, the little girl’s mouth does appear to be caked with some sticky substance. The mother pays, and gives her daughter the lip balm. She immediately starts eating it.)

Older Boy: “I told you!”

Mom: “Oh, my God! Give the lip balm back to mommy right now!”

Little Girl: “IT’S MINE! IT’S MINE! I HATE YOU!”

Mom: “Stop it! Here, take this. Mommy will buy this for you; do you want it?”

(The mom hands the little girl one of our incenses from the counter.)

Little Girl: “I HATE IT!”

(She throws the incense on the floor and steps on it. The mom just grabs the little girl, and they all run out.)

(I am having a heart-to-heart with my dad.)

Me: “I want to just move out, you know? Be on my own; spread my wings and fly!”

Dad: “I understand. Just like a dodo bird overlooking a cliff…”

Me: “Dad, dodo birds are extinct; they didn’t fly either.”

Dad: “…and the cliff overlooks plains full of great white sharks that have developed a taste for dodo birds…”

(My husband is using alphabet shaped animal cookies to help our four-year-old son learn to spell. He has laid out a word; our son is sounding it out.)

Dad: “Okay, what sound does the ‘M’ make?”

Son: “M… il… k. Oh, ‘milk’!”

Dad: “Great! And here’s a glass of milk!”

(My husband produces a glass of milk for our son.)

Son: “Oh! Daddy, spell ‘money’ next!”

(It’s Easter, and my Catholic family are visiting. I decide to make small talk.)

Me: “So, what did you guys give up for Lent?”

Aunt: “I gave up chocolate.”

Cousin: “I gave up some of my computer time.”

Widowed Grandmother: “I gave up sex.”

(I am a senior in high school. I am having a study session at my home with two of my friends. My dad appears in the study doorway.)

Dad: “Hey, hey, look!”

(He points at his sock, which has a hole in the toe.)

Dad: “Topeka!”

(I laugh, as does one of my friends. The other looks stunned as my dad grins big and leaves.)

Friend #1: “I love your dad.”

Friend #2: “I thought my dad was the only one who did things like that…”