Naked Chewie

| Related | May 21, 2012

Related To Sheldon Cooper

| MI, USA | Related | May 20, 2012

(We have two hyper cats, one of which is supposed to be my sister’s, but both animals prefer me.)

Sister: “Here kitty, kitty. Here kitty. Kitty! No, stop chewing that!”

Me: *singing* “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…”

(Both cats bound up to me and curl in my lap, completely still and purring.)

Me: “Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.”

Sister: “How do you do that?”

Me: “Hey, I figured if it works for Sheldon Cooper, it would work on two cat-nip highs.”

(My sister glares.)

Me: “Bazinga, sucker!”

 

This Saying Is Not A Keeper

| MI, USA | Related | May 20, 2012

(My mother never, ever says anything besides the following when asked if she’s seen something.)

Stepdad: “Honey where are my keys?”

Mother: “I don’t know. I’m your wife, not your keeper.”

Brother: “Mom, have you seen the TV remote?”

Mother: “I’m your mother, not your keeper.”

Me: “Why do you keep saying that? It’s annoying.”

Mother: “Because it’s true.”

(Later in the day.)

Mother: “Have you seen-”

Me: *without missing a beat* “I’m your daughter, not your keeper.”

(Pause.)

Mother: “Wow. That is annoying.”

A Sur-pies Guest

| WA, USA | Related | May 19, 2012

(My little brother is 17 years old. He’s hugely socially awkward, and terrified of most new people. He’s developmentally challenged and can’t really be left alone. My mother asks me to stop by her place and watch him on a night I have planned to watch movies with my girlfriend, so I just bring her along. My brother picks ‘Sweeney Todd’, a movie where people are killed and turned into pies.)

Brother: *grabbing his ear and rocking back and forth* “You know I read on the internet you can get really sick from eating people, so the police would know they made people pies, wouldn’t they? I don’t like that it doesn’t add up.”

(He stops, and then stares at my girlfriend thinking he’s creeping her out.)

Girlfriend: *smiles* “Oh, do you know what those types of sicknesses are called?”

(He shakes his head, letting go of his ear to look up at her, puzzled.)

Girlfriend: “You know, in a lot of cases, you have to eat a specific people part to get those sicknesses, and it can take five years or more for the signs to show up. Do you remember how this ends?”

Brother: *gleefully and clapping* “IN THE FURNACE!”

Me: “Well, at least he’s not nervous anymore. On a side note, why do you know that?”

Girlfriend: “Well, I remember reading about mad cow variants a few years ago, and I was curious.”

Me: “You and curiosity…”

Brother: “She’s like a kitty!” *pauses* “But let’s hope it doesn’t kill you.”

(She’s the first non-family member my brother has become comfortable with really quickly. She’s a science major and can simplify things easily so my brother LOVES talking to her.)

Unrelated Banter

| TN, USA | Related | May 19, 2012

(My dad talks in his sleep. One day, he falls asleep on the couch.)

Dad: “The spiders are funny.”

Me: “Like, ‘ha-ha’ funny, or ‘weird’ funny?”

Dad: “THE CYBERMEN ATE ALL MY DEAD PEOPLE!”

Me: “Poor dead people.”

Dad: “What about my senior trip? Man the compass!”

Me: “Land off the starboard bow!”

Dad: “Good girl.” *snore*

Step-mom: “And if there was ever any doubt about you two being related, that right there would shut them up.”

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