Kids Have No Inno-Cents

| USA | Related | March 7, 2012

(I am working at the checkout. A mother and her young 1-year-old son comes into my line. The son is nagging his mother to buy something for him.)

Mother: “No, we can’t afford it.”

Son: “Then make more money.”

Mother: “Your dad and I are making as much as we can.”

Son: “Then print more money. That’s what daddy did.”

(I look a bit bewildered.)

Mother: *noticing my expression* “He means Monopoly money! His sister threw half of it into the swimming pool.”

Floats Like A Baggins, Stings Like A Gamgee

| London, England, UK | Related | March 7, 2012

(I am flicking through the TV channels with my Mum.)

Me: “Hey, mum. Lord Of The Rings is on! Want to watch it?”

Mum: “No, you know I don’t like films about boxing.”

A Very Dim Sum

| Hong Kong | Related | March 7, 2012

(I am a British-born Chinese. While I can speak basic Cantonese, I can not read it. I am visiting family in Hong Kong and meet my old grandmother in a small dim-sum restaurant. The menu is entirely written in Cantonese.)

Me: “Grandma, you order. I can’t read the menu.”

Grandma: “I’ve forgotten my glasses. I can’t read it either.”

Me: “What will we do?”

Grandma: “Just order tea for now. Your aunt should be along in a minute. She can order for us.”

(We order tea and wait for my aunt, who is being very tardy. The waiting staff are getting frustrated and come over to complain.)

Waiter: “Why are you not ordering? You’ve just been sitting here for 15 minutes drinking tea!”

(Finally, my aunt comes in.)

Aunt: “What is happening here? Why haven’t you ordered?”

Me: *loudly, and truthfully* “Because grandma can’t see, and I can’t read!”

(My aunt bursts into laughter and tells the waiter that her family are ‘special’.)

Suddenly Seeing Susan

| Preston, England, UK | Related | March 7, 2012

(My grandma, aunt and I are sat in the living room after Christmas lunch. My grandma’s napping, and my aunt and I are reading books we’d received as Christmas presents. I look up as my mum walks in with a slightly mischievous smile on her face. I watch, as she sits down next to her sister, back straight, hands on her lap, and starts staring at her. My aunt looks up at her, then back to her book, but her concentration has obviously been broken.)

Aunt: “Susan.”

Mum: *brightly* “Yes?”

Aunt: “You know what.”

(My aunt shuffles slightly further down the sofa. My Mum shuffles along with her and keeps staring.)

Aunt: “Sue, stop it.”

Mum: “I’m just sitting here.”

Aunt: “Muuum!”

(My grandma opens her eyes.)

Grandma: “Yes, dear?”

Aunt: “She’s doing it again!”

Grandma: *sighs* “Didn’t you outgrow that, Susan?”

(This is, and has been, my Mum’s favourite way of annoying her sister since she was 8. She’s 52 now.)

Skid mark – priceless

| Related | March 7, 2012


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