(My teenage daughter comes home from school with a bandaged finger.)

Me: “What did you do? Did you get into a fight or something?”

Daughter: “Not exactly. I was in chemistry class; we did an experiment with several substances, as well as different kinds of acids. I was kind of fascinated with them…”

Me: “…and?”

Daughter: “I stuck my finger in the bottle.”

(Luckily it isn’t so bad, and we have a good laugh about it! Three years later, my other daughter comes home looking embarrassed, after chemistry class with the same teacher.)

Me: “I know that look; what did you do? Please don’t tell me you stuck your finger in the bottle like your sister!”

Other Daughter: “No! It was marked ‘dangerous’, so I didn’t touch it. But…”

Me: “What?”

Other Daughter: “I wanted to see if it had a smell, so I smelled it. When I sneezed later, something black flew out!”

(I work in a magic shop at the mall. Two little boys, maybe seven or eight years old, come in to browse. They are behaving, so I don’t pay them much attention until one of them suddenly reprimands his friend loudly.)

Boy: “You mean you hit him just because he was smaller than you? That’s ignorant!”

(I am mentally applauding this young man’s moral compass, when he finishes his statement.)

Boy: “That’s something a GIRL would do!”

(My sister and I share a car. I have quite a few papers in there that I need for work.)

Sister: “Dude, when are you going to take out your papers?”

Me: “I don’t know. Why is the sky blue?”

Sister: “Because blue is the most scattered color in the light spectrum. Now, when are you going to take out your papers?”

Me: “I’m afraid that I don’t have a concrete answer to that.”

(My father is building our house. Since we have to move from our rental quite quickly, we move into our new house while it is partly unfinished. It is liveable, but only has one door and one window, both on the bottom floor of the two-storey house. During our house-warming party, we have bunch of guests over, many of whom smoke.)

Mom: “Dear! You need to do something about this smoke! It’s like Chicago in here!”

Dad: “Later.”

Mom: Dear! Now! It’s so stuffy in here! Can’t you pry that window downstairs open or something?!”

Dad: “Later!”

Mom: “NOW!”

(With a sigh, he sets down his drink, and goes downstairs. Moments later, we hear the loud roar of a chainsaw. Dad walks upstairs, goes to a wall, and proceeds to carve a square hole in the wall, then boots it out with his foot, letting the pieces fall to the ground below. He then turns the saw off, sets it down, and turns to my mom.)

Dad: “THERE! You have your f****** window! Now let me have my drink!”

(The next day, as a gag, my Mom’s boss gave her a housewarming present: Windex and paper towels for her ‘new window’! Dad did eventually put a real window there!)

(I have recently received an internship. It runs during school days, so I’ve had to take off days from school. The last day of the internship starts at 3:30 pm, and school ends at 2 pm. Technically, I can still go to school that day.)

Me: “Hey, do I have to go to school on Wednesday?”

Mom: “Why?”

Me: “The internship isn’t until 3:30 pm, and school ends before that. Do I still have to go, though?”

Mom: “Do you want to?”

Me: “Well, no, I don’t want to, but I’ll go if I have to.”

Mom: “Well then, you can stay home if you want. Relax for a bit, and then go in for your internship.”

(I stare at my mom for a couple of seconds, and then hug tackle her.)

Mom: “OH GOD, WHEN DID YOU GET SO HEAVY?!”

Me: “YOU ARE THE COOLEST MOM EVER!”

Mom: “YOU’RE ABOUT TO KILL THE COOLEST MOM EVER; YOU’RE CRUSHING ME!”