Being The Butt Of The Joke

| Related | March 31, 2012

(I am at home, watching TV with my mother and sister.)

Sister: “Left butt flex, right butt flex, left butt flex, right butt flex…”

Me: “Seriously?”

Sister: “It makes good butt muscles. Left butt flex, right butt flex…”

Me: “Mom?! She’s disturbing me! That’s weird!”

Mom: “I do it too! Left butt flex, right butt flex!”

Me: “Oh my God.”

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Wish You’d Caught This On Tape

| Related | March 30, 2012

(My mom hands me a VHS tape that has stopped working.)

Mom: “Here, take this and throw it out. It went bad.”

Me: *takes tape* “BAD TAPE, VERY BAD TAPE!” *spank* “BAD!”

(My mom sighs and rolls her eyes.)

Me: “Do you think I fixed it?”

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Looks At Women Like They’re Meat

| Related | March 30, 2012

(I am sitting at dinner with the parents, and talking about steak dressings.)

Dad: “I like my steak like I like my women: naked!”

Mom: “Hun!” *playfully smacks him*

(Dad looks at me with fake surprise.)

Dad: “Oh! You’re here too!”

Mom: *pausing to think* “Wait, women?”

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Tall, Board, And Handsome

| Related | March 30, 2012

(My sister recently got life-sized cardboard cut-outs of Damon, Elena, and Stefan from The Vampire Diaries for her birthday. My grandma, who can only speak Chinese, visits the house and goes into the dining room where we’ve been keeping the cut-outs. Everyone in my family is very short so the cut-outs tower over us.)

Grandma: “Argh!”

Mom: *comes running over* “What?! What is it?!”

Grandma: *talking frantically in Chinese* “What is that?! Why is that there?!”

Mom: “Oh, that. You see, we bought [Sister] these cut-outs from her favorite show.”

Grandma: “They’re made of cardboard?”

Mom: “Yes, cardboard.”

Grandma: “Oh, thank God. I was going to ask who these strangers in the dining room were.”

Mom: “Really?”

Grandma: “Yes, either that or my daughter has some very tall friends.”

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Probably Thinks You Were Born Yesterday

| Related | March 30, 2012

(My son and his family are visiting from out of state, and various friends have gathered in their hotel room. One is talking to his little girl.)

Relative: “How old are you?”

(The little girl peers up under her bangs and holds up four fingers.)

Relative: “And when will you be five?”

(The little girl looks up at him like he’s an idiot.)

Little girl: *with great patience* “On my birthday.”

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