(My sister is a little strange. We have gotten used to it.)
Sister: “When I woke up this morning, I found a piece of popcorn in my belly button. I wasn’t even eating popcorn in bed.”
Dad: “Did you eat it?”
Sister: “Yep!”
Dad: “Atta girl.”
(I am home sick from work. My mom and I both work at the same school. I am half asleep when my mom calls me.)
Mom: “Hey, did you print out a ‘Crisis of Employment’ form?”
Me: *groggy* “What? No.”
Mom: “I’ll bring it home then.”
(I hang up and go back to sleep. When I wake up, I have a raging headache, and I panic because of the term ‘Crisis of Employment’, which does not sound good. I text my mom back.)
Me: “What is a ‘Crisis of Employment’ form? Am I in trouble?”
Mom: “I don’t know what that is.”
Me: “You said I had a ‘Crisis of Employment’ form!”
Mom: “I said CLASSIFIED EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION. You know, for job searching!”
Me: “Oh… well, frigging headache!”
(I am in the backseat, while my older brother is in the front with my mother. Her cell phone rings.)
Mom: “Hey, [older brother], will you answer that for me?”
Brother: “Sure, hello?”
(It’s my mother’s boss.)
Brother: “Yeah, my mom’s around. I told her to go on a diet for years, but she never listens.”
(You can hear through the phone how hard my mom thwacks my brother.)
(Before my mom gave birth to me, she referred to me as a ‘present’ for my older sister to take care of, and love, and so on. When I am born, my mom shows me to my sister for the first time.)
Mom: “And this is your baby brother!”
Sister: “This is the present?”
Mom: “Yes, would you like to hold him?”
Sister: “Yes!”
(My mom hands me to my sister.)
Sister: “He’s my present!”
Mom: “Yes, he is indeed.”
(My sister runs away holding me at this point. My mom starts chasing her.)
Mom: “Can I have your brother back? I need to feed him.”
Sister: “But he’s mine!”
Mom: “…what?”
Sister: “You said he’s my present, so he belongs to me!”
Mom: “But honey—”
Sister: “HE’S MINE!”
(My mom chases my sister around for a couple minutes until she is finally able to convince her to give me back. My sister and I are very close as of present!)
(I am pregnant. My eight-year-old nephew is totally disinterested.)
Me: “So, I went to see the doctor today, and found out something pretty exciting.”
Sister: “Oh, did you find out the sex?”
(My nephew is playing with Lego nearby, still disinterested.)
Me: “No! But when he did the scan, he saw something pretty cool.”
Sister: “What! Tell me!”
Me: “I am having twins!”
(My nephew is suddenly animated and interested.)
Nephew: “Oh, wow! That’s amazing! Twins! I can’t wait to tell everyone at school you are having two babies joined together!”
Me: “Uh, no, that’s siamese-twins. I am having two babies, but they aren’t going to be joined together.”
Nephew: “Oh.”
(He loses all interest, and goes back to playing with Lego.)
